Tonight's Colbert-ism: "Your DNA comes from your parents. But where did your parents get these building blocks of life? Where all building blocks come from: A carpenter. Named Jesus. He put DNA inside us all, right after he buried the dinosaur bones."
So tonight kicks off the NFL regular season. It's like Christmas for a sports fan, but better, because as the season goes along, it becomes the gift that keeps on giving but unlike Christmas, you don't have to go out and buy presents.
Anyway, with the season literally minutes from getting underway, I thought now would be a good time to give my Superbowl predictions. I'm taking the New England Patriots out of the AFC and the Philadelphia Eagles out of the NFC. And this is the year that Tom Brady finally gets his fourth ring. Go Chiefs, though. The end.
peace sign,
p
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Commercialism
Tonight's Colbert-ism: "DNA determines everything from what shoe size you'll wear, to which of these water fountains you can use."
I saw the best commercial I've seen in a long time today. It was for Cingular/AT&T and it was the one with Roger Clemens and his wife. He's on the golf course and tells her over the phone that he'll retire for good. All she has to do is say it. But then the call gets dropped. He's celebrating on the golf course about coming back for one more season. She's in his kitchen (c'mon, he paid for it) yelling and screaming into the phone for him to retire. I laughed very hard. That's what advertising should be. The end.
peace sign,
p
I saw the best commercial I've seen in a long time today. It was for Cingular/AT&T and it was the one with Roger Clemens and his wife. He's on the golf course and tells her over the phone that he'll retire for good. All she has to do is say it. But then the call gets dropped. He's celebrating on the golf course about coming back for one more season. She's in his kitchen (c'mon, he paid for it) yelling and screaming into the phone for him to retire. I laughed very hard. That's what advertising should be. The end.
peace sign,
p
Monday, August 13, 2007
The Stag
Tonight's Colbert-ism: "For those of you who don't know what a 'blogger' is, it is someone who has a laptop, an axe to grind, and their virginity."
This is going to sound obvious, but it's nice to have someone to laugh and waste time away with. This weekend I hung out with a friend and it was the first time in a long time that I was able to have some real fun with a friend here in Cal. No real agenda or anyone telling us to hurry up or slow down. No one to point out faults or place blame. Just a series of moments of relaxation and happiness. Company. It makes you feel like your important, if even for a day at a time. I'm thankful for those moments. The end.
peace sign,
p
This is going to sound obvious, but it's nice to have someone to laugh and waste time away with. This weekend I hung out with a friend and it was the first time in a long time that I was able to have some real fun with a friend here in Cal. No real agenda or anyone telling us to hurry up or slow down. No one to point out faults or place blame. Just a series of moments of relaxation and happiness. Company. It makes you feel like your important, if even for a day at a time. I'm thankful for those moments. The end.
peace sign,
p
Thursday, August 9, 2007
That's a First For Me
Tonight's Colbert-ism: “Now I like that part he said there about this Wall Street melt down being a sign of Armageddon. For years I’ve been saying that Jesus is coming back on a cloud of money.”
Well, I finally experienced something last night that I had longed to be a part of since I moved to LA: An earthquake. Now, it's one thing to experience an earthquake. It's another to experience one for the first time. It's yet another to experience your first earthquake at 12:30 A.M. while watching Halloween II. Yes, I poohed a little.
The weirdest part of the ordeal was the non-quake part of the episode. I'll explain. At first I had no idea I was experiencing an earthquake. I was sitting on my couch and all of a sudden it felt like several people were shaking it in unison. At first I doubted that it was an earthquake because nothing but my couch was moving. No pictures on the walls moved. Nothing I had propped against the walls like my Guitar Hero guitar even slightly moved. So doubting that it was even an earthquake, mt mind went down the list of logical explanations for what I must have felt. Here's what my brain (which is also a sort of "natural" disaster) came up with: "Oh, God, oh, God! There's a small animal under my couch and its trying to escape."
So immediately I brought my knees to my chest and sat in a fetal position for a few minutes thinking that if there were a badger under my couch, it would try to free itself again. Over the next few minutes I convinced myself that there was no animal under the couch and that the shaking must have been a quake. The next part is equally as pathetic.
I went outside to look around, hoping others would have felt the vibrations and wanted to check out the neighborhood for damage as well. There was no one in sight. It was like a scene in one of those Apocalypse movies where a virus or something else has wiped out all of humanity and so all the cities and towns are completely empty except for one person. I was that guy in my mind last night. Well, I knew that I wasn't the only one alive in Culver City. But it did get me to thinking about how if there was some case where I was the last man standing, I would be screwed because I'm not extremely resourceful. I mean, I'd last for a while because there's a grocery store within a five minute walk from my place. If I had a brick I could smash out the door and get in and get more food and water. But once I run out of good stuff to eat in there I'd be done for. Either that or I'd have to find another grocery store. But that would be like a four mile walk.
Anyway, it was an interesting experience. Actually, once it was all over and my heart settled a little I realized how cool a feeling it was. Like my cousin Peter said, it was a little like a free ride at a thrill park. The point I'm trying to make is football season is almost here, and I can't wait! The end.
peace sign,
p
Well, I finally experienced something last night that I had longed to be a part of since I moved to LA: An earthquake. Now, it's one thing to experience an earthquake. It's another to experience one for the first time. It's yet another to experience your first earthquake at 12:30 A.M. while watching Halloween II. Yes, I poohed a little.
The weirdest part of the ordeal was the non-quake part of the episode. I'll explain. At first I had no idea I was experiencing an earthquake. I was sitting on my couch and all of a sudden it felt like several people were shaking it in unison. At first I doubted that it was an earthquake because nothing but my couch was moving. No pictures on the walls moved. Nothing I had propped against the walls like my Guitar Hero guitar even slightly moved. So doubting that it was even an earthquake, mt mind went down the list of logical explanations for what I must have felt. Here's what my brain (which is also a sort of "natural" disaster) came up with: "Oh, God, oh, God! There's a small animal under my couch and its trying to escape."
So immediately I brought my knees to my chest and sat in a fetal position for a few minutes thinking that if there were a badger under my couch, it would try to free itself again. Over the next few minutes I convinced myself that there was no animal under the couch and that the shaking must have been a quake. The next part is equally as pathetic.
I went outside to look around, hoping others would have felt the vibrations and wanted to check out the neighborhood for damage as well. There was no one in sight. It was like a scene in one of those Apocalypse movies where a virus or something else has wiped out all of humanity and so all the cities and towns are completely empty except for one person. I was that guy in my mind last night. Well, I knew that I wasn't the only one alive in Culver City. But it did get me to thinking about how if there was some case where I was the last man standing, I would be screwed because I'm not extremely resourceful. I mean, I'd last for a while because there's a grocery store within a five minute walk from my place. If I had a brick I could smash out the door and get in and get more food and water. But once I run out of good stuff to eat in there I'd be done for. Either that or I'd have to find another grocery store. But that would be like a four mile walk.
Anyway, it was an interesting experience. Actually, once it was all over and my heart settled a little I realized how cool a feeling it was. Like my cousin Peter said, it was a little like a free ride at a thrill park. The point I'm trying to make is football season is almost here, and I can't wait! The end.
peace sign,
p
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
But Still...
Tonight's Colbert-ism: "And the wait continues for Barry Bonds to break the home run record, carrying on baseball's proud tradition of waiting for something to happen."
And that brings me to my opinion for the day. Barry Bonds is about to break the most hallowed record in American sports history: all-time home runs. I happento believe that Bonds used steroids along the way. But still, you have to consider some things Barry Bonds has been able to do that steroids cannot account for.
1) He gets walked all the time.
This bullet point is nearly literal. Barry has been walked more times than anyone in the game, ever: 2,539 times. I know, big deal right? But think about it. That means he must maximize his production. The man gets one good pitch to hit a game and he doesn't miss. That's more skill than power.
2) He's a good hitter.
Barry won the NL Batting Title in 2002 and 2004, so he can hit for average as well as power. That's just seeing the ball well, and as far as I know, steroids can't do that.
So while Barry may have cheated at getting the ball over the fence, let's not forget that he's a pretty great all-around baseball player. And this is coming from a Dodger's fan. The end.
peace sign,
p
And that brings me to my opinion for the day. Barry Bonds is about to break the most hallowed record in American sports history: all-time home runs. I happento believe that Bonds used steroids along the way. But still, you have to consider some things Barry Bonds has been able to do that steroids cannot account for.
1) He gets walked all the time.
This bullet point is nearly literal. Barry has been walked more times than anyone in the game, ever: 2,539 times. I know, big deal right? But think about it. That means he must maximize his production. The man gets one good pitch to hit a game and he doesn't miss. That's more skill than power.
2) He's a good hitter.
Barry won the NL Batting Title in 2002 and 2004, so he can hit for average as well as power. That's just seeing the ball well, and as far as I know, steroids can't do that.
So while Barry may have cheated at getting the ball over the fence, let's not forget that he's a pretty great all-around baseball player. And this is coming from a Dodger's fan. The end.
peace sign,
p
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Working Again
Tonight's Colbert-ism: “Nation, write congress and insist they stop Hollywood’s wrist-violence mania.”
Uhh, nothing really to say today, and I'm tired because I worked all day and tomorrow I will work even longer. All for free. But it's cool because I'm learning a ton. I hope I don't get too tired tomorrow. The end.
peace sign,
p
Uhh, nothing really to say today, and I'm tired because I worked all day and tomorrow I will work even longer. All for free. But it's cool because I'm learning a ton. I hope I don't get too tired tomorrow. The end.
peace sign,
p
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
You Can't Hide Forever
Tonight's Colbert-ism: "“Mmm, mmm, mmm, they are making Vicodin taste like Smartees now. I hope they send me some free Vicodin for mentioning their product.”
While I was in Kansas City (more accurately, St. Joseph, Missouri) last week, I had to do something I feared ever since May. See, last may, I finally went to work on my first legitimate feature film. I made a promise to myself when I moved to LA last year that I wouldn't get a tattoo until I worked on a legitimate, full length film. And even though Sister Switch was a low budget indie with obscure actors, no call sheets, and eventually got shelved indefinitely, it still counted. So at the end of May I decided to give myself the reward I had patiently waited for and earned through my hard work. I went to Ink Monkey Tattoos at the corner of Lincoln and Venice and got a Kansas Jayhawk tattooed on the back of my left shoulder blade.
It's a cool, accurate inking of my beloved university's mascot. People have told me that it looks really good and people who know me realize that it's fitting for me to have the Jayhawk permanently decorating my body. I've had people at the beach ask if they can photograph it. Even my grandma said, "You can't be out in California with out a Jayhawk!"
So last week at a family pool party, I obviously got in the pool and my mother finally saw what I had done. I had told everyone in my family except for my mother. Here's what my mother had to say (sarcastically) when she saw it as everyone else in my family looked on silently in eager anticipation:
Hip...hip...hooray.
I can't emphasize enough how un-enthused she was.
When I pulled out the old, "Grandma said it was a good idea" card, she said, "Well she's a very sweet lady." So my mother didn't like it, but I knew she wouldn't. But I went ahead and got a tattoo anyway. But I got something that made sense to me. Ask anyone about me and I guarantee they will say "Jayhawk" or "KU" while describing me. It's practically part of my identity. It's not like I got some girls name on my shoulder. The point is, with DVDs, you don't have to worry about rewinding. The end.
peace sign,
p
While I was in Kansas City (more accurately, St. Joseph, Missouri) last week, I had to do something I feared ever since May. See, last may, I finally went to work on my first legitimate feature film. I made a promise to myself when I moved to LA last year that I wouldn't get a tattoo until I worked on a legitimate, full length film. And even though Sister Switch was a low budget indie with obscure actors, no call sheets, and eventually got shelved indefinitely, it still counted. So at the end of May I decided to give myself the reward I had patiently waited for and earned through my hard work. I went to Ink Monkey Tattoos at the corner of Lincoln and Venice and got a Kansas Jayhawk tattooed on the back of my left shoulder blade.
It's a cool, accurate inking of my beloved university's mascot. People have told me that it looks really good and people who know me realize that it's fitting for me to have the Jayhawk permanently decorating my body. I've had people at the beach ask if they can photograph it. Even my grandma said, "You can't be out in California with out a Jayhawk!"
So last week at a family pool party, I obviously got in the pool and my mother finally saw what I had done. I had told everyone in my family except for my mother. Here's what my mother had to say (sarcastically) when she saw it as everyone else in my family looked on silently in eager anticipation:
Hip...hip...hooray.
I can't emphasize enough how un-enthused she was.
When I pulled out the old, "Grandma said it was a good idea" card, she said, "Well she's a very sweet lady." So my mother didn't like it, but I knew she wouldn't. But I went ahead and got a tattoo anyway. But I got something that made sense to me. Ask anyone about me and I guarantee they will say "Jayhawk" or "KU" while describing me. It's practically part of my identity. It's not like I got some girls name on my shoulder. The point is, with DVDs, you don't have to worry about rewinding. The end.
peace sign,
p
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
I'm Not Laughing
Tonight's Colbert-ism: “If the Russians gain control of the North Pole folks, they will control Christmas.”
A couple of days ago when I was still in Kansas City, my cousins suggested that we all watch Night a the Museum. I was very hesitant because I'm not a fan of Ben Stiller at all. The movie was decent enough, but that's not the point. Here are some other "funny men" that I don't think are very funny:
Ben Stiller (just to be clear)
Robin Williams
Jack Black
Jim Carrey
Don't get me wrong. There are times when these people have made me chuckle. I just dont want to sit through 90 minutes of them in a comedic role. But...I did think Jack Black was great in Kong and Carrey was great in Truman Show and Spotless Mind. Oh, and Williams was excellent in Good Will Hunting. All were dramatic roles. I guess what I'm saying is, I wish Tim Allen would stop making crappy Christmas movies. He sucks, too. The end.
peace sign,
p
A couple of days ago when I was still in Kansas City, my cousins suggested that we all watch Night a the Museum. I was very hesitant because I'm not a fan of Ben Stiller at all. The movie was decent enough, but that's not the point. Here are some other "funny men" that I don't think are very funny:
Ben Stiller (just to be clear)
Robin Williams
Jack Black
Jim Carrey
Don't get me wrong. There are times when these people have made me chuckle. I just dont want to sit through 90 minutes of them in a comedic role. But...I did think Jack Black was great in Kong and Carrey was great in Truman Show and Spotless Mind. Oh, and Williams was excellent in Good Will Hunting. All were dramatic roles. I guess what I'm saying is, I wish Tim Allen would stop making crappy Christmas movies. He sucks, too. The end.
peace sign,
p
Monday, July 30, 2007
Travel Day
Tonight's Colbert-ism: "Well you know forest is a renewable resource because--I don't know if you know this: trees grow."
Well, today was a travel day for me. I came back to LA from KC. The people at Hertz tried to rip me off but the lady behind the counter saved the day. So that was good. The last thing I did before I left a muggy, rainy Kansas City was have a tall Boulevard Wheat. God bless good beer. And when I landed in LA it was 72 and sunny. I'm determined to really get after it now and get some good work in on some projects. I guess what I'm saying is, I wish it wasn't so expensive to get from the airport to my house. The end.
peace sign,
p
Well, today was a travel day for me. I came back to LA from KC. The people at Hertz tried to rip me off but the lady behind the counter saved the day. So that was good. The last thing I did before I left a muggy, rainy Kansas City was have a tall Boulevard Wheat. God bless good beer. And when I landed in LA it was 72 and sunny. I'm determined to really get after it now and get some good work in on some projects. I guess what I'm saying is, I wish it wasn't so expensive to get from the airport to my house. The end.
peace sign,
p
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
I Knew It!
Tonight's Colbert-ism: "Before we get to the main attraction folks, here's a preview of a movie that will be destroying America next spring. It's called 10,000 B.C. This 'schlockbuster' will spread the vicious rumor that there was a 10,000 B.C. Everyone knows the world is 6,000 years old. Look it up in any geology text book that is also the Bible."
All I have to say about Lindsay Lohan's arrest earlier today is this: "I told you so! I called it a few days back." Just check out my July 16th post. The end.
peace sign,
p
All I have to say about Lindsay Lohan's arrest earlier today is this: "I told you so! I called it a few days back." Just check out my July 16th post. The end.
peace sign,
p
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
JC Penney Dating Service
Tonight's Colbert-ism: "Having gays move into your neighborhood may increase property values, which will come in handy when you immediately sell your house."
I just saw the most perplexing commercial I've seen in a while. And I got a degree in "making commercials." The ad was for JC Penney. This little girl-- she couldn't have been more than 11-- scribbles "SM + LC" in the middle of a heart she's sketched in a notebook. Then a class mate passes behind her, so the little girl quickly covers the heart with her hands to shield the scribbling from anyone else's sight. The scribbling on the notebook disappears only to magically reappear on the chalkboard, so she races over to cover up the chalkboard. This continues a few more times until the scribbled heart magically appears on the lunch table, so she takes a running leap, slides down the lunch table on her belly and covers up the embarrassing heart. When she looks up, there is the boy who's initials she scribbled into the heart. He gives her a little wink and a nod of the head. Then the tagline says something like "Will you make today count?" or something like that. Again, it was JC Penney!
What?
Is JC Penney trying to get kids to start dating? At no point did I see any sort of effort to show clothing. Seriously, the commercial left me with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Not because I'm against kids that young showing any sort of interest in the opposite sex, but because when I was 12 I wasn't smooth enough to wink at a chick. I'm still not that smooth. I guess what I'm sayin' is, it's too cold in the grogery store to wear flip flops. The end.
peace sign,
p
I just saw the most perplexing commercial I've seen in a while. And I got a degree in "making commercials." The ad was for JC Penney. This little girl-- she couldn't have been more than 11-- scribbles "SM + LC" in the middle of a heart she's sketched in a notebook. Then a class mate passes behind her, so the little girl quickly covers the heart with her hands to shield the scribbling from anyone else's sight. The scribbling on the notebook disappears only to magically reappear on the chalkboard, so she races over to cover up the chalkboard. This continues a few more times until the scribbled heart magically appears on the lunch table, so she takes a running leap, slides down the lunch table on her belly and covers up the embarrassing heart. When she looks up, there is the boy who's initials she scribbled into the heart. He gives her a little wink and a nod of the head. Then the tagline says something like "Will you make today count?" or something like that. Again, it was JC Penney!
What?
Is JC Penney trying to get kids to start dating? At no point did I see any sort of effort to show clothing. Seriously, the commercial left me with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Not because I'm against kids that young showing any sort of interest in the opposite sex, but because when I was 12 I wasn't smooth enough to wink at a chick. I'm still not that smooth. I guess what I'm sayin' is, it's too cold in the grogery store to wear flip flops. The end.
peace sign,
p
Runnin' with the Bulls
Tonight's Colbert-ism: "The obvious question is, ‘What’s the sexiest ant you’ve ever photographed?’ Quick—without thinking."
Well, folks, July 12th was the annual running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Is Spain so boring that they have to release raging bulls into the streets once a year? And who are the dumbasses who think it's a good idea to have a few drinks before trying to run away from angry, charging bulls? Oh, that's right: Americans.
Americans like the Lenihan brothers, Laurence and Michael. Here's a picture from their trip to Spain: http://news.yahoo.com/photo/070712/ids_photos_wl/r351009548.jpg;_ylt=AmUbUS1qEkBjKLSiviBVMj_q188F
If that picture's not a constant reminder of how much fun they had racing bulls down a narrow street, I bet the scar tissue in their asses will be! How does the idea of getting drunk at a Spanish pub and then racing bulls even come to light? Probably while getting drunk at an American pub.
But I tell you one thing, the bull in that picture has got to be the coolest bull ever. How many bulls ever gore one guy directly in the pooper? This bull got two dudes at the same time and they were brothers! Plus some other dude was right there to get a great picture of the whole thing. You know that bulls head was on the upswing and he was getting ready to smile for the camera like, "Check this out!"
I guess the point is, you mess with the bull, you get the horns. You run with the bulls, you and your brother could get tagged by the same bull at the same time and someone's probably gonna be there to take a picture. The end.
peace sign,
p
Well, folks, July 12th was the annual running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Is Spain so boring that they have to release raging bulls into the streets once a year? And who are the dumbasses who think it's a good idea to have a few drinks before trying to run away from angry, charging bulls? Oh, that's right: Americans.
Americans like the Lenihan brothers, Laurence and Michael. Here's a picture from their trip to Spain: http://news.yahoo.com/photo/070712/ids_photos_wl/r351009548.jpg;_ylt=AmUbUS1qEkBjKLSiviBVMj_q188F
If that picture's not a constant reminder of how much fun they had racing bulls down a narrow street, I bet the scar tissue in their asses will be! How does the idea of getting drunk at a Spanish pub and then racing bulls even come to light? Probably while getting drunk at an American pub.
But I tell you one thing, the bull in that picture has got to be the coolest bull ever. How many bulls ever gore one guy directly in the pooper? This bull got two dudes at the same time and they were brothers! Plus some other dude was right there to get a great picture of the whole thing. You know that bulls head was on the upswing and he was getting ready to smile for the camera like, "Check this out!"
I guess the point is, you mess with the bull, you get the horns. You run with the bulls, you and your brother could get tagged by the same bull at the same time and someone's probably gonna be there to take a picture. The end.
peace sign,
p
Monday, July 16, 2007
Lindsay's Out of Rehab
"And my guest, Doug Bailey, is here to talk about how he's forming a new centrist party. I'll show him my centrist finger."
Yesterday was Lindsay Lohan’s first day out of rehab since checking in in June. And reports say she spent the evening at Pure Night Club in Las Vegas. Really? The very day you get out of rehab you go to a night club? That’s like eating a bag of Skittles, then taking a bite of celery, then rippin’ open a box of Milk Duds. I mean, she was in rehab in LA and drove four hours to get to Pure. That takes effort.
But I don’t blame Lindsay. I blame her mother. Seriously, what has she been thinking this whole time? I know she wants to be friends with Lindsay and that’s why they go out drinking together. But I think Lindsay probably treats her like the friend we all had in college or high school who was only around because they were old enough to buy alcohol. Like, “Sure, mom, you can come to the Viper Room with us, just don’t sit too close.” All I have to say is Lindsay’s mom better stop being her friend and start being her mom because if she’s smart, she’ll understand that that money train named Lindsay she’s riding on is unstable and pretty soon it’s gonna derail. The end.
peace sign,
p
Yesterday was Lindsay Lohan’s first day out of rehab since checking in in June. And reports say she spent the evening at Pure Night Club in Las Vegas. Really? The very day you get out of rehab you go to a night club? That’s like eating a bag of Skittles, then taking a bite of celery, then rippin’ open a box of Milk Duds. I mean, she was in rehab in LA and drove four hours to get to Pure. That takes effort.
But I don’t blame Lindsay. I blame her mother. Seriously, what has she been thinking this whole time? I know she wants to be friends with Lindsay and that’s why they go out drinking together. But I think Lindsay probably treats her like the friend we all had in college or high school who was only around because they were old enough to buy alcohol. Like, “Sure, mom, you can come to the Viper Room with us, just don’t sit too close.” All I have to say is Lindsay’s mom better stop being her friend and start being her mom because if she’s smart, she’ll understand that that money train named Lindsay she’s riding on is unstable and pretty soon it’s gonna derail. The end.
peace sign,
p
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Reality is Better than Fiction
Tonight's Colbert-ism: "If it was in my best interest to know the CIA was kidnapping people they would have told me. And then kidnapped me."
I saw a commercial today that took a real historic event and changed the outcome. The commercial was for a video game. I think it was "NCAA Football '08" by EA Sports, but that's not really important. The commercial changes the end result of last seasons' Fiesta Bowl when Oklahoma and Boise St. met and went to overtime. Here's how the commercial plays out the last play of the game (you can watch the actual spot by going here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBk80OIvcvk):
Boise naps the ball from the three yard line, going for the two point conversion. If they make it, they win. If they come up even an inch short they lose. It's that simple. Boise quarterback Jared Zabransky drops back and flings his throwing arm forward, faking a pass, causing the defense to freeze for a split second. The quarterback then reaches behind himself with his left arm and slyly hands the ball off to the running back Ian Johnson, never once even turning his head. Johnson cuts back left. He has a clear shot at the end zone when out of nowhere a linebacker from Oklahoma stands him up at the goal line. Game over. Oklahoma wins the game and the trophy. The crowd chants, "Boomer! Sooner!" (Quite possibly the second gayest chant in college next to Arkansas' "Pig Sooo-ey!") Anyway, the tag line at the end reads, "How does it feel?"
Here's what really happened:
Zabransky made the same pass fake and the same no-look hand-off to Johnson. Johnson DID cut back left except this time he went into the end zone untouched. Boise St. shocks Oklahoma with yet another trick play (I'll explain in a moment). David has beaten Goliath. But Johnson didn't stop running when he hit the end zone. After the scored the winning points of the best game of the year, century, and millennium he ran over to his hot cheerleader girlfriend and like the stud he is, proposed to her. On national television.
She said yes. How does that feel.
That play happened after Boise St. drove 78 yards in 62 seconds to tie the game. During that drive, Boise converted a 4th and 18 for a touchdown by running a hook and ladder play. THAT NEVER WORKS. I guess my point is that the reality of that situation is better than the fiction that can be created by any video game. And that's the case with most things in life. Except for Transformers. That movie is awesome. The end.
peace sign,
p
I saw a commercial today that took a real historic event and changed the outcome. The commercial was for a video game. I think it was "NCAA Football '08" by EA Sports, but that's not really important. The commercial changes the end result of last seasons' Fiesta Bowl when Oklahoma and Boise St. met and went to overtime. Here's how the commercial plays out the last play of the game (you can watch the actual spot by going here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBk80OIvcvk):
Boise naps the ball from the three yard line, going for the two point conversion. If they make it, they win. If they come up even an inch short they lose. It's that simple. Boise quarterback Jared Zabransky drops back and flings his throwing arm forward, faking a pass, causing the defense to freeze for a split second. The quarterback then reaches behind himself with his left arm and slyly hands the ball off to the running back Ian Johnson, never once even turning his head. Johnson cuts back left. He has a clear shot at the end zone when out of nowhere a linebacker from Oklahoma stands him up at the goal line. Game over. Oklahoma wins the game and the trophy. The crowd chants, "Boomer! Sooner!" (Quite possibly the second gayest chant in college next to Arkansas' "Pig Sooo-ey!") Anyway, the tag line at the end reads, "How does it feel?"
Here's what really happened:
Zabransky made the same pass fake and the same no-look hand-off to Johnson. Johnson DID cut back left except this time he went into the end zone untouched. Boise St. shocks Oklahoma with yet another trick play (I'll explain in a moment). David has beaten Goliath. But Johnson didn't stop running when he hit the end zone. After the scored the winning points of the best game of the year, century, and millennium he ran over to his hot cheerleader girlfriend and like the stud he is, proposed to her. On national television.
She said yes. How does that feel.
That play happened after Boise St. drove 78 yards in 62 seconds to tie the game. During that drive, Boise converted a 4th and 18 for a touchdown by running a hook and ladder play. THAT NEVER WORKS. I guess my point is that the reality of that situation is better than the fiction that can be created by any video game. And that's the case with most things in life. Except for Transformers. That movie is awesome. The end.
peace sign,
p
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Happy Birthday
Tonight's Colbert-ism: "Welcome back. Merry Christmas. And to my Spanish viewers: Merry Christmas, learn English."
Today was Weezer bassist Scott Shriner's birthday. Happy birthday, Scott. Tell Rivers to hurry up with that new album.
Also, my homies, Weezer will be featured on the new Guitar Hero video game coming out this October. Guitar Hero will have "My Name is Jonas" as a track. The end.
peace sign,
p
Today was Weezer bassist Scott Shriner's birthday. Happy birthday, Scott. Tell Rivers to hurry up with that new album.
Also, my homies, Weezer will be featured on the new Guitar Hero video game coming out this October. Guitar Hero will have "My Name is Jonas" as a track. The end.
peace sign,
p
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Midsummer Classic
Tonight's Colbert-ism: "It's never too late to take a stand after it's too late."
Tonight I watched the Major League Baseball All-Star game. It turned out to be a decent game late, which is always good. And for once, MLB did something right. Before the game, which was in San Francisco’s AT&T Ballpark, MLB paid tribute to one of the greatest players in the history of the sport. Good job baseball. Unlike the steroids scandal, the Pete Rose tragedy, and even past all-star games that ended in ties, you finally managed to do something the right way. You honored a man with integrity and class with integrity and class. I commend you.
However, there is still a problem with the all-star game itself. For one, the opening ceremonies are as long as the game. I wouldn’t mind that being the case if the opening ceremonies were filled with important and interesting events, like the tribute to the Say Hey Kid. But they aren’t and they’re boring. It took fifteen minutes to announce the starting line ups. That’s insane. I’m a Kansas City Royals fan, but I didn’t need to hear Gil Meche’s name and watch him wave to a stadium full of people who didn’t care. By the way, that was the pinnacle of his all-star weekend because he didn’t get in the actual game. Stop introducing everyone. Better yet, get rid of the rule that states one player from each team must have a representative. That’s stupid. Kansas City doesn’t deserve a representative. Neither does Chicago (White Sox) or Washington or Baltimore. It’s stupid. Watching Alyssa Milano talk about her baseball fan-friendly womens’ clothing line was much more interesting than listening to the line-ups, and only because she’s smokin’ hot. Seriously, in my top ten for sure.
Then they had a guy come out and try to hit three balls off a tee for a million dollars. None of his hits made it out of the infield. But you gotta get your plug in for you advertisers. No all-star game from AT&T Ballpark would be complete without the State Farm swing for a million. Advertising has gotten out of hand.
Even last night’s Home Run Derby was boring. Why? Because nobody was hitting any home runs. It was pathetic. It would have at least been interesting if anyone important had been in it. Alex Rios? Matt Holliday? Magglio Ordonez? Raise your hand if you’re a casual fan and you’ve hear of two of those people. What happened to Ken Griffey, Jr., and A-Rod and Barry Bonds? Or many Ramirez even?
I hear stories about Willie Mays and Roberto Clemente lighting it up on all-star night. They used to let them play nine full innings or at least get two at-bats. Now you have to use quotes when talking about “all-stars” and the real deserving players—Jeter, Beckett, and A-Rod—get one at-bat or one inning to pitch and then they have to go to the bench so that the representative from Colorado can get in the game. It’s too bad. The end.
peace sign,
p
Tonight I watched the Major League Baseball All-Star game. It turned out to be a decent game late, which is always good. And for once, MLB did something right. Before the game, which was in San Francisco’s AT&T Ballpark, MLB paid tribute to one of the greatest players in the history of the sport. Good job baseball. Unlike the steroids scandal, the Pete Rose tragedy, and even past all-star games that ended in ties, you finally managed to do something the right way. You honored a man with integrity and class with integrity and class. I commend you.
However, there is still a problem with the all-star game itself. For one, the opening ceremonies are as long as the game. I wouldn’t mind that being the case if the opening ceremonies were filled with important and interesting events, like the tribute to the Say Hey Kid. But they aren’t and they’re boring. It took fifteen minutes to announce the starting line ups. That’s insane. I’m a Kansas City Royals fan, but I didn’t need to hear Gil Meche’s name and watch him wave to a stadium full of people who didn’t care. By the way, that was the pinnacle of his all-star weekend because he didn’t get in the actual game. Stop introducing everyone. Better yet, get rid of the rule that states one player from each team must have a representative. That’s stupid. Kansas City doesn’t deserve a representative. Neither does Chicago (White Sox) or Washington or Baltimore. It’s stupid. Watching Alyssa Milano talk about her baseball fan-friendly womens’ clothing line was much more interesting than listening to the line-ups, and only because she’s smokin’ hot. Seriously, in my top ten for sure.
Then they had a guy come out and try to hit three balls off a tee for a million dollars. None of his hits made it out of the infield. But you gotta get your plug in for you advertisers. No all-star game from AT&T Ballpark would be complete without the State Farm swing for a million. Advertising has gotten out of hand.
Even last night’s Home Run Derby was boring. Why? Because nobody was hitting any home runs. It was pathetic. It would have at least been interesting if anyone important had been in it. Alex Rios? Matt Holliday? Magglio Ordonez? Raise your hand if you’re a casual fan and you’ve hear of two of those people. What happened to Ken Griffey, Jr., and A-Rod and Barry Bonds? Or many Ramirez even?
I hear stories about Willie Mays and Roberto Clemente lighting it up on all-star night. They used to let them play nine full innings or at least get two at-bats. Now you have to use quotes when talking about “all-stars” and the real deserving players—Jeter, Beckett, and A-Rod—get one at-bat or one inning to pitch and then they have to go to the bench so that the representative from Colorado can get in the game. It’s too bad. The end.
peace sign,
p
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
NBA Finals
Tonight's Colbert-ism: “I can't prove it, but I can say it.”
Tomorrow night the NBA Finals kick off with the San Antonio Spurs hosting the Cleveland Cavaliers. I'm going with the Spurs in 5 games. So you have my prediction on record. The end.
peace sign,
p
Tomorrow night the NBA Finals kick off with the San Antonio Spurs hosting the Cleveland Cavaliers. I'm going with the Spurs in 5 games. So you have my prediction on record. The end.
peace sign,
p
Dumb Animals
Tonight's Colbert-ism: “Now, isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?”
A few days ago I told you about a couple of wayward whales swimming down a river in California. Quick update: They made it back out to the ocean safely. Hooray. We can all relax now.
I made a suggestion that we should just let nature take its course and have the coast guard interfere by trying to get them back out to the ocean. I know. How heartless of me to actually concede that wild animals die? That wild animals die because of everything from predators to starvation to mere stupidity?
Well, here’s another side to the argument. Maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to reintroduce animals to the wild when they’ve gotten used to living in captivity. Here’s why I’m kinda cranky today:
A Great Panda that was reintroduced into the wild (from what zoo I can’t recall—pretty sure it was in China) was in a tree when other more aggressive pandas came over and knocked him out of the tree. The formerly captivated panda landed on his head and died as a result. Dumb animals killing other dumb animals. It probably happens every day.
But that was an inter-species attack. Whether or not it was provoked, I’ll probably never know and you’ll probably never care. Here’s an example of one dumb animal provoking an attack from another animal: Apparently some Chinese tourist got drunk, went to a zoo, and entered a panda cage in an attempt to “hug” the bear. I want to underscore the “bear” part of this. Recent DNA evidence suggests Great Pandas are more closely related to bears than raccoons. But who cares? Smart people wouldn’t want to hop a fence to hug a raccoon, so the “not really a bear” argument is both false and irrelevant.
The panda attacked him. It’s unfortunate the panda didn’t kill him, because if you didn’t think he was a complete dumbass for hopping the enclosure, here’s what he said after being rescued:
“No one ever said they would bite people. I just wanted to touch it.”
Really? You didn’t think a zoo animal might get feisty? Do me a favor and go try to hug a bengal tiger, okay. And his quote probably sounded more like “No run evuh say dey rould bite peopow. I just ronted to touch it.” I’m not being racist. If he was a tourist I’m just being dialectically accurate.
So what I’m saying is this: The whales and the tourist were dumb animals. If God or fate or whatever you choose to believe had taken them, it probably wouldn’t have been a great loss because their “stupid” genes would have been permanently discontinued. But no. Instead we put a panda out in the wild with other pandas and we’re short one more endangered species. I guess what I’m trying to say is this: there needs to be more parking structures in LA. The end.
peace sign,
p
A few days ago I told you about a couple of wayward whales swimming down a river in California. Quick update: They made it back out to the ocean safely. Hooray. We can all relax now.
I made a suggestion that we should just let nature take its course and have the coast guard interfere by trying to get them back out to the ocean. I know. How heartless of me to actually concede that wild animals die? That wild animals die because of everything from predators to starvation to mere stupidity?
Well, here’s another side to the argument. Maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to reintroduce animals to the wild when they’ve gotten used to living in captivity. Here’s why I’m kinda cranky today:
A Great Panda that was reintroduced into the wild (from what zoo I can’t recall—pretty sure it was in China) was in a tree when other more aggressive pandas came over and knocked him out of the tree. The formerly captivated panda landed on his head and died as a result. Dumb animals killing other dumb animals. It probably happens every day.
But that was an inter-species attack. Whether or not it was provoked, I’ll probably never know and you’ll probably never care. Here’s an example of one dumb animal provoking an attack from another animal: Apparently some Chinese tourist got drunk, went to a zoo, and entered a panda cage in an attempt to “hug” the bear. I want to underscore the “bear” part of this. Recent DNA evidence suggests Great Pandas are more closely related to bears than raccoons. But who cares? Smart people wouldn’t want to hop a fence to hug a raccoon, so the “not really a bear” argument is both false and irrelevant.
The panda attacked him. It’s unfortunate the panda didn’t kill him, because if you didn’t think he was a complete dumbass for hopping the enclosure, here’s what he said after being rescued:
“No one ever said they would bite people. I just wanted to touch it.”
Really? You didn’t think a zoo animal might get feisty? Do me a favor and go try to hug a bengal tiger, okay. And his quote probably sounded more like “No run evuh say dey rould bite peopow. I just ronted to touch it.” I’m not being racist. If he was a tourist I’m just being dialectically accurate.
So what I’m saying is this: The whales and the tourist were dumb animals. If God or fate or whatever you choose to believe had taken them, it probably wouldn’t have been a great loss because their “stupid” genes would have been permanently discontinued. But no. Instead we put a panda out in the wild with other pandas and we’re short one more endangered species. I guess what I’m trying to say is this: there needs to be more parking structures in LA. The end.
peace sign,
p
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
LA County
Tonight's Colbert-ism: “Tonight’s guest has written a book about the power of randomness. Coincidentally he was also the winner of my pull a guest out of a hat sweepstakes.”
Paris Hilton checked into prison today serving what will most likely be only half of a 45-day sentence for driving with a suspended license. And the media is covering it like she's never had sex on the internet. Goodnight! The end.
peace sign,
p
Paris Hilton checked into prison today serving what will most likely be only half of a 45-day sentence for driving with a suspended license. And the media is covering it like she's never had sex on the internet. Goodnight! The end.
peace sign,
p
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Operation Humpback
Tonight's Colbert-ism: “That's why I continue to say that Oregon is California's Canada.”
So there are these two way-ward humpback whales in the Sacramento River who are in danger of swimming too far inland and dying. So the California Coast Guard are running a rescue mission to turn them around and headed out to the ocean again. It’s a mother and her calf named Delta and Dawn. How adorable.
Well, it would be if “Operation Humpback” wasn’t costing the California Coast Guard $100,000 a week. The rescue effort began May 12th. By my estimation, that’s upwards of $300,000. I’m thinking maybe it’s time to let nature takes its course and give up.
Look, the whales are obviously completely stupid. You’re freakin’ humpback whales. It’s kind of hard to get lost from the rest of the group when you’re the largest animal on the planet. Look around. I have a hard time blaming the calf, but if mommy’s retarded, which she clearly must be to swim 90 miles down a river, then baby’s probably not “smart.” Building off of that, we’ll probably spend half a million dollars to get these brain dead mammals—that’s right kids, same phylum as we humans—back out to sea only to have them die of something really dumb. Like drowning.
You can call me heartless or whatever. I’ll admit it, it’s a little hypocritical of me. I’ve been lost many times before. I’m “directionally challenged.” But I’ve never wandered somewhere where I could get killed. Like Compton. So to reiterate, it’s time to let them go. Maybe use some of that money for some of the worst school districts in the nation. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about the cost. Disney’s probably already working on a script with a happy ending. Maybe some of the proceeds from the movie can go to the school systems out here. Wait, who am I kidding? It’s Disney—nevermind. The end.
peace sign,
p
So there are these two way-ward humpback whales in the Sacramento River who are in danger of swimming too far inland and dying. So the California Coast Guard are running a rescue mission to turn them around and headed out to the ocean again. It’s a mother and her calf named Delta and Dawn. How adorable.
Well, it would be if “Operation Humpback” wasn’t costing the California Coast Guard $100,000 a week. The rescue effort began May 12th. By my estimation, that’s upwards of $300,000. I’m thinking maybe it’s time to let nature takes its course and give up.
Look, the whales are obviously completely stupid. You’re freakin’ humpback whales. It’s kind of hard to get lost from the rest of the group when you’re the largest animal on the planet. Look around. I have a hard time blaming the calf, but if mommy’s retarded, which she clearly must be to swim 90 miles down a river, then baby’s probably not “smart.” Building off of that, we’ll probably spend half a million dollars to get these brain dead mammals—that’s right kids, same phylum as we humans—back out to sea only to have them die of something really dumb. Like drowning.
You can call me heartless or whatever. I’ll admit it, it’s a little hypocritical of me. I’ve been lost many times before. I’m “directionally challenged.” But I’ve never wandered somewhere where I could get killed. Like Compton. So to reiterate, it’s time to let them go. Maybe use some of that money for some of the worst school districts in the nation. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about the cost. Disney’s probably already working on a script with a happy ending. Maybe some of the proceeds from the movie can go to the school systems out here. Wait, who am I kidding? It’s Disney—nevermind. The end.
peace sign,
p
Friday, May 25, 2007
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Tonight's Colbert-ism: “I don't trust books; they're all fact, no heart.”
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End opens across the country today. But in LA, where I reside, showings began at 8 PM on Thursday. So, at 5 AM, I will be at The El Capitan Theatre on Hollywood Blvd watching the final installment of the trilogy. I really, really hope it lives up to the expectations I have for it. I'm watching Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest right now to brush up on where things left off. The end.
peace sign,
p
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End opens across the country today. But in LA, where I reside, showings began at 8 PM on Thursday. So, at 5 AM, I will be at The El Capitan Theatre on Hollywood Blvd watching the final installment of the trilogy. I really, really hope it lives up to the expectations I have for it. I'm watching Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest right now to brush up on where things left off. The end.
peace sign,
p
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Orange Juice
Tonight's Colbert-ism: “When I heard that question I just got so excited I felt like someone had hooked my genitals up to a car battery.”
Hey, guys, how many different kinds of orange juice do we really need? Here’s a list of the different varieties of Tropicana Premium Orange Juices:
No pulp
Some Pulp
Lots of Pulp
Calcium + Vitamin D
Lots of Pulp Calcium + Vitamin D
Fiber
Low Acid
Healthy Heart
Healthy Kids
Antioxidant Advantage
Light ‘n Healthy with Calcium
Light ‘n Healthy with Pulp
Organic Orange Juice
Organic Orchard Medley
What? No Light ‘n Healthy with Some Pulp? I spent 15 minutes today trying to figure out what kind of OJ to buy and nearly shit myself with anxiety. It was the most frustrating thing I did today. What if I got the wrong kind? What if I want Low Acid and Healthy Heart? Can the differing kinds of juices be mixed? What happens if I needed Fiber and got No Pulp? Will it kill me?
Hell, I get frustrated with the fact that there are four different kinds of milk now. Then there are six different kinds of turkey to buy for lunch meat. It’s all too confusing. It’s actually a real problem, I think. As a society we’ve begun to cater too much to each and every individual’s needs. That’s not as great as it sounds. Furthermore, it’s making it tougher for an average person like myself to make simple decisions. Do I want whole milk, skim milk, 2% milk, or Vitamin D milk? So many choices can mean that the choices out there suck, and there’s not a clear-cut favorite.
Let me blow this concept up into a larger more important scenario. Going off the idea that “we” cater too much to each individual person’s needs/wants, we get presidential candidates who live on the fence during campaign season. Some like John Kerry switched stances multiple times during their candidacy. We end up with several choices for presidential candidates, yet with so much pandering to poles and public opinion, we end up without a desirable favorite. Sure, there are standouts like Obama, or Hilary Clinton, or Rudy Giuliani, or McCain. These names stand out. But are they really desirable favorites? If so, are they desirable for the right reasons?
The orange juice I bought today won’t kill me or even affect my life in a noticeable way. By the way, I went with Antioxidant Advantage. But figuring out who should “lead” America from 2008 to 2012, is a decision that will affect millions of Americans and illegal Mexicans. It’s time for the candidates to man-up and say what they really think. Quit looking at the poles and start looking at what you believe and stand for. I guess what I’m trying to say is, we need to get away from making sure everyone is taken care of and no one gets upset/offended. It’s not ideal for a functioning democracy. BUT…that doesn’t mean we can’t be civil. The end.
peace sign,
p
Hey, guys, how many different kinds of orange juice do we really need? Here’s a list of the different varieties of Tropicana Premium Orange Juices:
No pulp
Some Pulp
Lots of Pulp
Calcium + Vitamin D
Lots of Pulp Calcium + Vitamin D
Fiber
Low Acid
Healthy Heart
Healthy Kids
Antioxidant Advantage
Light ‘n Healthy with Calcium
Light ‘n Healthy with Pulp
Organic Orange Juice
Organic Orchard Medley
What? No Light ‘n Healthy with Some Pulp? I spent 15 minutes today trying to figure out what kind of OJ to buy and nearly shit myself with anxiety. It was the most frustrating thing I did today. What if I got the wrong kind? What if I want Low Acid and Healthy Heart? Can the differing kinds of juices be mixed? What happens if I needed Fiber and got No Pulp? Will it kill me?
Hell, I get frustrated with the fact that there are four different kinds of milk now. Then there are six different kinds of turkey to buy for lunch meat. It’s all too confusing. It’s actually a real problem, I think. As a society we’ve begun to cater too much to each and every individual’s needs. That’s not as great as it sounds. Furthermore, it’s making it tougher for an average person like myself to make simple decisions. Do I want whole milk, skim milk, 2% milk, or Vitamin D milk? So many choices can mean that the choices out there suck, and there’s not a clear-cut favorite.
Let me blow this concept up into a larger more important scenario. Going off the idea that “we” cater too much to each individual person’s needs/wants, we get presidential candidates who live on the fence during campaign season. Some like John Kerry switched stances multiple times during their candidacy. We end up with several choices for presidential candidates, yet with so much pandering to poles and public opinion, we end up without a desirable favorite. Sure, there are standouts like Obama, or Hilary Clinton, or Rudy Giuliani, or McCain. These names stand out. But are they really desirable favorites? If so, are they desirable for the right reasons?
The orange juice I bought today won’t kill me or even affect my life in a noticeable way. By the way, I went with Antioxidant Advantage. But figuring out who should “lead” America from 2008 to 2012, is a decision that will affect millions of Americans and illegal Mexicans. It’s time for the candidates to man-up and say what they really think. Quit looking at the poles and start looking at what you believe and stand for. I guess what I’m trying to say is, we need to get away from making sure everyone is taken care of and no one gets upset/offended. It’s not ideal for a functioning democracy. BUT…that doesn’t mean we can’t be civil. The end.
peace sign,
p
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Ten and Tall
Tonight's Colbert-ism: “Nation, I’m a big man, and I’m not afraid to admit mistakes...that my interns have made.”
I just saw a commercial sponsored by the US Department of Transportation. It said until kids are four foot nine, they should be in a booster seat while riding in a car. Four foot nine? Holy shit— I just made the cutoff! For those of you who might not know, I’m only five foot four— and that’s stretching it. So basically all these nine and ten year olds are on TV talking about how tall they are for their age, but yet still not tall enough to ride in a car without a booster seat. And I can relate. I know how they feel when they can’t reach the car ceiling to redirect the cold air that’s blowing directly on them. I know what it’s like to have your legs dangle while sitting on the toilet, only to hop off the seat and find that one foot has gone to sleep. I know what it’s like every night to climb the ladder to get into my bunk, only to stare up at the underneath of the top bunk.
So kids, if you’re reading this, first of all, you shouldn’t be. Your parents should be keeping a closer eye on what you’re looking at on the internet. Second, I used to be tall for my age when I was ten. I even played center on my basketball team. Soak it in, because some day it’s all gonna level out. I’m not saying you’ll only grow to be five feet tall. But I bet none of you will be seven feet or even six foot five. What I’m getting at is a larger issue: the growing sense of entitlement ten year olds are developing. It can be as simple as not wanting to sit in a booster seat to as serious as dictating what channel is on television by hogging the remote control. I didn’t like Full House the first time. Reruns are even worse.
So parents, if you’re reading this and you have a “tall” kid, make sure you keep them in line. Make sure they eat their veggies and make sure they don’t get a brain tumor. Otherwise, they may turn into me. And I don’t want that, because I enjoy being the king of self-deprecating humor. The end.
peace sign,
p
I just saw a commercial sponsored by the US Department of Transportation. It said until kids are four foot nine, they should be in a booster seat while riding in a car. Four foot nine? Holy shit— I just made the cutoff! For those of you who might not know, I’m only five foot four— and that’s stretching it. So basically all these nine and ten year olds are on TV talking about how tall they are for their age, but yet still not tall enough to ride in a car without a booster seat. And I can relate. I know how they feel when they can’t reach the car ceiling to redirect the cold air that’s blowing directly on them. I know what it’s like to have your legs dangle while sitting on the toilet, only to hop off the seat and find that one foot has gone to sleep. I know what it’s like every night to climb the ladder to get into my bunk, only to stare up at the underneath of the top bunk.
So kids, if you’re reading this, first of all, you shouldn’t be. Your parents should be keeping a closer eye on what you’re looking at on the internet. Second, I used to be tall for my age when I was ten. I even played center on my basketball team. Soak it in, because some day it’s all gonna level out. I’m not saying you’ll only grow to be five feet tall. But I bet none of you will be seven feet or even six foot five. What I’m getting at is a larger issue: the growing sense of entitlement ten year olds are developing. It can be as simple as not wanting to sit in a booster seat to as serious as dictating what channel is on television by hogging the remote control. I didn’t like Full House the first time. Reruns are even worse.
So parents, if you’re reading this and you have a “tall” kid, make sure you keep them in line. Make sure they eat their veggies and make sure they don’t get a brain tumor. Otherwise, they may turn into me. And I don’t want that, because I enjoy being the king of self-deprecating humor. The end.
peace sign,
p
Monday, May 21, 2007
TV Advice
Tonight's Colbert-ism: “Isn't a centrist someone who doesn't have the balls to be a fanatic?”
When my friends come to me with a “problem” or to seek advice, I always make it clear at the outset that I may not have an answer, suggestion or advice. Furthermore, if I do make a suggestion, I make it clear that I may not be fully qualified to give said advice. I say this having taken enough psychology credits to minor in psych. The only problem being the University of Kansas does not offer a psych minor.
So it bothers me when people on television give advice for things they aren’t qualified to give advice on. For instance, Jillian Barberie of Good Day LA/Fox 11 Morning News and formerly of Fox NFL Sunday. She has a degree in broadcast journalism and that’s it. So I have a little bit of a problem with her segment “Ask Jillian” every morning. I mean, she’s not even a weatherman—she’s a weatherwoman. What qualifications does she have for telling random people on the street how to handle their boss, spouse, child, parent, siblings, or coworkers? None.
Then there’s Tyra Banks. What a freakin’ joke. This woman once broke down in tears in front of a group of obese women because of how she was treated when she went undercover in a fat suit. Last time I checked, being a super model doesn’t put you in any position to tell kids to stay in school—especially when you didn’t go to college yourself. I’m not knocking people who don’t go to college. But I doubt they have the proper training to tell us how to live our lives. At most she should be telling us cosmetic and wardrobe secrets. But keeping a video diary of your “trip to Promises rehab center in Malibu?” First of all, here’s a snippet of what she posted on her website:
“I feel like I’ve been very lucky because I don’t really have an addictive personality. I’ve never had any drugs and I had a little taste of alcohol when I was 12-years-old, but that’s about it.”
Twelve? You started drinking when you were twelve? I was 20 before I had the balls to sneak beer into my dorm. That doesn’t make you seem like an “everyman,” T. You’re an idiot. Go hang out in traffic. Second, you’re not on drugs. At least if you are, you hide it very well, or comparatively better than Britney or Lindsay. So your trip to rehab should be much more pleasant than say Courtney Love trying to come off heroine. Third, when you consider all the amenities at Promises, it’s more of a country club than a rehab center. Hell, when I heard Lohan was going in, I thought about checking in. Water fountains, horseback riding, oceanfront view, loose movie stars—my 21st birthday wasn’t that cool.
So, when you’re not qualified to give advice, and you don’t acknowledge that you aren’t qualified to give advice, and you disseminate information that may or may not be accurate/healthy, you a) look like an ass and b) could be doing more harm than good. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Lohan, call me. I have beer. The end.
peace sign,
p
When my friends come to me with a “problem” or to seek advice, I always make it clear at the outset that I may not have an answer, suggestion or advice. Furthermore, if I do make a suggestion, I make it clear that I may not be fully qualified to give said advice. I say this having taken enough psychology credits to minor in psych. The only problem being the University of Kansas does not offer a psych minor.
So it bothers me when people on television give advice for things they aren’t qualified to give advice on. For instance, Jillian Barberie of Good Day LA/Fox 11 Morning News and formerly of Fox NFL Sunday. She has a degree in broadcast journalism and that’s it. So I have a little bit of a problem with her segment “Ask Jillian” every morning. I mean, she’s not even a weatherman—she’s a weatherwoman. What qualifications does she have for telling random people on the street how to handle their boss, spouse, child, parent, siblings, or coworkers? None.
Then there’s Tyra Banks. What a freakin’ joke. This woman once broke down in tears in front of a group of obese women because of how she was treated when she went undercover in a fat suit. Last time I checked, being a super model doesn’t put you in any position to tell kids to stay in school—especially when you didn’t go to college yourself. I’m not knocking people who don’t go to college. But I doubt they have the proper training to tell us how to live our lives. At most she should be telling us cosmetic and wardrobe secrets. But keeping a video diary of your “trip to Promises rehab center in Malibu?” First of all, here’s a snippet of what she posted on her website:
“I feel like I’ve been very lucky because I don’t really have an addictive personality. I’ve never had any drugs and I had a little taste of alcohol when I was 12-years-old, but that’s about it.”
Twelve? You started drinking when you were twelve? I was 20 before I had the balls to sneak beer into my dorm. That doesn’t make you seem like an “everyman,” T. You’re an idiot. Go hang out in traffic. Second, you’re not on drugs. At least if you are, you hide it very well, or comparatively better than Britney or Lindsay. So your trip to rehab should be much more pleasant than say Courtney Love trying to come off heroine. Third, when you consider all the amenities at Promises, it’s more of a country club than a rehab center. Hell, when I heard Lohan was going in, I thought about checking in. Water fountains, horseback riding, oceanfront view, loose movie stars—my 21st birthday wasn’t that cool.
So, when you’re not qualified to give advice, and you don’t acknowledge that you aren’t qualified to give advice, and you disseminate information that may or may not be accurate/healthy, you a) look like an ass and b) could be doing more harm than good. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Lohan, call me. I have beer. The end.
peace sign,
p
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Movie
Today's Colbert-ism: “I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!”
Today I began work as a Production Assistant for a feature film called Sister Switch. The shoot is scheduled to last 10 days. Anyway, I'm really tired, so there will be no witty insight tonight. Just this announcement that I;m actually doing something for the next week and a half. The end.
peace sign,
p
Today I began work as a Production Assistant for a feature film called Sister Switch. The shoot is scheduled to last 10 days. Anyway, I'm really tired, so there will be no witty insight tonight. Just this announcement that I;m actually doing something for the next week and a half. The end.
peace sign,
p
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Alec Baldwin's Unruly Seed
Tonight’s Colbert-ism: “I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.”
Why is every one so pissed off at Alec Baldwin for leaving that "angry" message on his daughter Ireland’s phone? I mean, seriously, it wasn’t that bad. Since when did “rude, thoughtless little pig” become verbal abuse? Naming the kid “Ireland” seems like more of an injustice than some tough love. Seriously, if calling someone a rude pig is abusive, then all of my friends and I should be locked up in solitary. Seriously, earlier today my best friend told me I was gay and I called me retarded. Neither of us are complaining.
Furthermore, when I was younger and taking advantage of my parents, they never hesitated to “straighten” me out. In fact, when I was real bad (and I was) I’d get a swift swat on the ass. To this day I cringe when I hear the words “wooden spoon.” I’m not scarred psychologically or physically because of it. It made me a more responsible, respectable person. They didn’t let me run wild, and I was never in any serious trouble in school and I’ve never been arrested. You wouldn’t think that would be hard, but look at people who never got punished as kids: Paris Hiton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears. Someone should have stepped in and straightened them out.
So I applaud Mr. Baldwin for stepping in and acting like a responsible parent. It’s good that he’s holding his daughter accountable for her disrespect. Something tells me Kim isn’t doing much to bring her child up as a non-spoiled brat. The end.
peace sign,
p
Why is every one so pissed off at Alec Baldwin for leaving that "angry" message on his daughter Ireland’s phone? I mean, seriously, it wasn’t that bad. Since when did “rude, thoughtless little pig” become verbal abuse? Naming the kid “Ireland” seems like more of an injustice than some tough love. Seriously, if calling someone a rude pig is abusive, then all of my friends and I should be locked up in solitary. Seriously, earlier today my best friend told me I was gay and I called me retarded. Neither of us are complaining.
Furthermore, when I was younger and taking advantage of my parents, they never hesitated to “straighten” me out. In fact, when I was real bad (and I was) I’d get a swift swat on the ass. To this day I cringe when I hear the words “wooden spoon.” I’m not scarred psychologically or physically because of it. It made me a more responsible, respectable person. They didn’t let me run wild, and I was never in any serious trouble in school and I’ve never been arrested. You wouldn’t think that would be hard, but look at people who never got punished as kids: Paris Hiton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears. Someone should have stepped in and straightened them out.
So I applaud Mr. Baldwin for stepping in and acting like a responsible parent. It’s good that he’s holding his daughter accountable for her disrespect. Something tells me Kim isn’t doing much to bring her child up as a non-spoiled brat. The end.
peace sign,
p
MLB Cat Fight
Today's Colbert-ism: “Anyone can read the news to you. What I plan to do is feel the news at you.”
MLB starting to look like high school
by JP Winters
Boston – So a couple of weeks ago Baltimore Orioles announcer Gary Thorne told everyone that Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling lied about a bloody sock. Schilling pitched in the 2004 post season with an “injury” that caused his ankle to bleed through his sock.
At first, Thorne was all, “It was painted. Doug Mirabelli confessed up to it after. It was all for PR."
Ohhh, Mirabelli was piiiiised, and even called Thorne a “f---ing liar.”
So Schilling was all, “It was blood. You can choose to believe whatever you need to, but facts are facts,” on his blog. But Curt’s kind of a tool, so he, like, added, “My only real problem is not that Gary Thorne said something stupid and ignorant, which he did, but that without a word being uttered by anyone in our clubhouse this somehow became a major news story.”
So then in Baltimore, Thorne went all whiney bitch on everyone and goes, “I reported what I heard and what I honestly felt was said. Having talked with him today, there's no doubt in my mind that's not what he said, that's not what he meant ... I took it as something serious, and it wasn't. I’m retarded. I hope we can just LOL about it now."
But Curt can’t let anything go, so he was all, “OMG! So Gary Thorne says that Doug told him the blood was fake. Which even when he's called out he can't admit he lied. Thorne overheard something and then misreported what he overheard. Not only did he misreport it, he misinterpreted what he misreported. Ass.”
Anyway a couple of weeks go by and Curt realized he hadn’t said anything dickish in a while. Also, he was super-pissed that Roger Clemens was in the news for signing with the Yankees for way more money than Curt makes. So yesterday he made incriminating remarks about San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds. Bonds, who is approaching the most coveted record in all of professional sports, Hank Aaron’s home run record, has been accused by the media, fans, and fellow athletes of using steroids to enhance performance since he went form looking like Chris Rock to The Rock over night.
Schilling, in his weekly radio interview with WEEI’s “Dennis and Callahan” show, went all PMS on Bonds going, “I mean, he admitted that he used steroids. I mean, there's no gray area. He admitted to cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes, and cheating on the game.” Then for good measure quickly added, “Douche.”
It should be noted that Bonds has repeated publicly denied knowingly taking steroids. But come on…
So this morning confessed former steroid user and failed porn star (ironically due to the side effects of steroids) Jose Canseco heard what Schilling said from Jay Crawford on ESPN’s First Take, and he was all, “Well he’s you’re typical hypocrite. He’s your typical politician. That’s what they do. Um, they’re liars, uh, they just don’t answer questions properly. And they have this arrogance about them.”
No word yet on Schilling’s plans to run of office in Massachusetts.
Then Canseco went all psycho on Major League Baseball by speculating a steroid scandal cover up to circumvent a congressional investigation. “Here’s the sitch: Obviously Major League Baseball controlled and manipulated the actual results. Well, I mean, they have certain codes for example when you send in a players results its coded in a number and only Major League Baseball knows how to tie ‘em in to a player’s name. Obviously they control the results. They’re the ones that uh control the laboratories that actually test these players. They’re in the driver’s seat.”
Then Schilling’s teammate David Ortiz was all, “WTF!!! To hit the ball, (Bonds) makes it look easy, but it ain't. I don't know how you can have that swing, consistently. I don't know how steroids can do that,” so you know he and Curt aren’t BFF. But Ortiz kept going and was all, “There are supposed to be guys using steroids in the game, and there's nobody close to Barry Bonds. What's that mean? He was using the best [stuff]? Know what I'm saying?”
No.
Anyway, it’s gonna be super cool later this summer because Boston and San Francisco play an inter league series. I smell cat fight! The End.
peace sign,
p
MLB starting to look like high school
by JP Winters
Boston – So a couple of weeks ago Baltimore Orioles announcer Gary Thorne told everyone that Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling lied about a bloody sock. Schilling pitched in the 2004 post season with an “injury” that caused his ankle to bleed through his sock.
At first, Thorne was all, “It was painted. Doug Mirabelli confessed up to it after. It was all for PR."
Ohhh, Mirabelli was piiiiised, and even called Thorne a “f---ing liar.”
So Schilling was all, “It was blood. You can choose to believe whatever you need to, but facts are facts,” on his blog. But Curt’s kind of a tool, so he, like, added, “My only real problem is not that Gary Thorne said something stupid and ignorant, which he did, but that without a word being uttered by anyone in our clubhouse this somehow became a major news story.”
So then in Baltimore, Thorne went all whiney bitch on everyone and goes, “I reported what I heard and what I honestly felt was said. Having talked with him today, there's no doubt in my mind that's not what he said, that's not what he meant ... I took it as something serious, and it wasn't. I’m retarded. I hope we can just LOL about it now."
But Curt can’t let anything go, so he was all, “OMG! So Gary Thorne says that Doug told him the blood was fake. Which even when he's called out he can't admit he lied. Thorne overheard something and then misreported what he overheard. Not only did he misreport it, he misinterpreted what he misreported. Ass.”
Anyway a couple of weeks go by and Curt realized he hadn’t said anything dickish in a while. Also, he was super-pissed that Roger Clemens was in the news for signing with the Yankees for way more money than Curt makes. So yesterday he made incriminating remarks about San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds. Bonds, who is approaching the most coveted record in all of professional sports, Hank Aaron’s home run record, has been accused by the media, fans, and fellow athletes of using steroids to enhance performance since he went form looking like Chris Rock to The Rock over night.
Schilling, in his weekly radio interview with WEEI’s “Dennis and Callahan” show, went all PMS on Bonds going, “I mean, he admitted that he used steroids. I mean, there's no gray area. He admitted to cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes, and cheating on the game.” Then for good measure quickly added, “Douche.”
It should be noted that Bonds has repeated publicly denied knowingly taking steroids. But come on…
So this morning confessed former steroid user and failed porn star (ironically due to the side effects of steroids) Jose Canseco heard what Schilling said from Jay Crawford on ESPN’s First Take, and he was all, “Well he’s you’re typical hypocrite. He’s your typical politician. That’s what they do. Um, they’re liars, uh, they just don’t answer questions properly. And they have this arrogance about them.”
No word yet on Schilling’s plans to run of office in Massachusetts.
Then Canseco went all psycho on Major League Baseball by speculating a steroid scandal cover up to circumvent a congressional investigation. “Here’s the sitch: Obviously Major League Baseball controlled and manipulated the actual results. Well, I mean, they have certain codes for example when you send in a players results its coded in a number and only Major League Baseball knows how to tie ‘em in to a player’s name. Obviously they control the results. They’re the ones that uh control the laboratories that actually test these players. They’re in the driver’s seat.”
Then Schilling’s teammate David Ortiz was all, “WTF!!! To hit the ball, (Bonds) makes it look easy, but it ain't. I don't know how you can have that swing, consistently. I don't know how steroids can do that,” so you know he and Curt aren’t BFF. But Ortiz kept going and was all, “There are supposed to be guys using steroids in the game, and there's nobody close to Barry Bonds. What's that mean? He was using the best [stuff]? Know what I'm saying?”
No.
Anyway, it’s gonna be super cool later this summer because Boston and San Francisco play an inter league series. I smell cat fight! The End.
peace sign,
p
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Driveway Fiasco
Tonight’s Colbert-ism: “I don't hate the truth. It's facts I'm not a fan of.”
This morning I watched my neighbor’s wife back out of the driveway and it was something to be marveled at. It was the opposite of NASCAR. It was like a high-speed Hollywood car crash stunt gone awry except at 2 miles per hour.
All she had to do was back up in a straight line for about 40 feet. Not a monumental task – even for a woman. She managed to run her left tires off the driveway and into her side garden, then pulled forward only to run into a large blue recycle bin. She then pulled back out to the point where the rear of her car was sticking out in the middle of the street and just stopped. She put it in park and got out with the car still running and skipped like a gay man on roller-skates to the door, touched the doorframe with her left hand and then turned around and bolted back to her car, as awkwardly as before. I’ll probably never know why she did that.
The whole time she had the facial expression of a drunken camel with downs trying to screw a bicycle tire. To say she wasn’t in control of the situation would be putting it mildly. I had the pleasure of watching this transpire because I was walking back from the convenience store at the end of the street. I’m really glad I timed my trip to the store so perfectly. Probably the most entertaining 5 and a half minutes of my day. The end.
peace sign,
p
This morning I watched my neighbor’s wife back out of the driveway and it was something to be marveled at. It was the opposite of NASCAR. It was like a high-speed Hollywood car crash stunt gone awry except at 2 miles per hour.
All she had to do was back up in a straight line for about 40 feet. Not a monumental task – even for a woman. She managed to run her left tires off the driveway and into her side garden, then pulled forward only to run into a large blue recycle bin. She then pulled back out to the point where the rear of her car was sticking out in the middle of the street and just stopped. She put it in park and got out with the car still running and skipped like a gay man on roller-skates to the door, touched the doorframe with her left hand and then turned around and bolted back to her car, as awkwardly as before. I’ll probably never know why she did that.
The whole time she had the facial expression of a drunken camel with downs trying to screw a bicycle tire. To say she wasn’t in control of the situation would be putting it mildly. I had the pleasure of watching this transpire because I was walking back from the convenience store at the end of the street. I’m really glad I timed my trip to the store so perfectly. Probably the most entertaining 5 and a half minutes of my day. The end.
peace sign,
p
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Lazy Gym Rats
Today's Colbert-ism: “I've swallowed 18 condoms full of truth and I'm headed across the border!”
I had an encounter at the gym today. I want to first say that not every one who goes to the gym is being “active.” Many people are actually super-lazy when they get there. There’s two kinds of lazy, too. The first is the woman who camps out on a weight bench and talks on the cell phone while we all wait on her. The second type of lazy “worker-outter” is the guy who doesn’t rack his weights or put medicine balls back after he’s done with them. My encounter was with the second kind of lazy.
It started out simple enough. This guy was using the bench press and I was going to use it after him. So I asked him how many more sets he had. He said he had two more. I said, “Cool. Take your time.” Up to know, everything’s cool. So he gets finished with his second set and tells me it’s all mine. But I quickly noticed a puddle of sweat where his head and back were. So I asked, “Hey, man, could you wipe down the bench real quick?” So he set his towel down on the spot and then picked it up real quick.
This is the turning point in the story where I start to get pissed with Pedro.
The bench was still covered with sweat. The conversation then went thus:
P: Could you actually wipe the whole bench?
PEDRO: It’ll dry.
P: Well, it’s not dry yet and I’m ready to go.
PEDRO: What? Is this your first time at the gym?
(I lose it right here…)
P: Yeah, I know where all the signs that say “wipe your shit off when your done” are, I’m a foot shorter than you and I bench twenty pounds more than you, and all the trainers know me by name because they’re just ultra-perceptive. Sure, it’s my first time at the gym. I’m just asking you to wipe off a bench, it’s not gonna take away from your reps, big guy.
Silence.
Instead of trying to formulate a response, he wiped off the bench. The point is, people, practice some common courtesy. It’s no wonder the world is going to hell gradually. People are just getting lazy when it comes to common courtesy. Guys, if you sweat all over something, wipe it off. Ladies, if you’re washing your car, wear a bikini if you’re hot. The end.
peace sign,
p
I had an encounter at the gym today. I want to first say that not every one who goes to the gym is being “active.” Many people are actually super-lazy when they get there. There’s two kinds of lazy, too. The first is the woman who camps out on a weight bench and talks on the cell phone while we all wait on her. The second type of lazy “worker-outter” is the guy who doesn’t rack his weights or put medicine balls back after he’s done with them. My encounter was with the second kind of lazy.
It started out simple enough. This guy was using the bench press and I was going to use it after him. So I asked him how many more sets he had. He said he had two more. I said, “Cool. Take your time.” Up to know, everything’s cool. So he gets finished with his second set and tells me it’s all mine. But I quickly noticed a puddle of sweat where his head and back were. So I asked, “Hey, man, could you wipe down the bench real quick?” So he set his towel down on the spot and then picked it up real quick.
This is the turning point in the story where I start to get pissed with Pedro.
The bench was still covered with sweat. The conversation then went thus:
P: Could you actually wipe the whole bench?
PEDRO: It’ll dry.
P: Well, it’s not dry yet and I’m ready to go.
PEDRO: What? Is this your first time at the gym?
(I lose it right here…)
P: Yeah, I know where all the signs that say “wipe your shit off when your done” are, I’m a foot shorter than you and I bench twenty pounds more than you, and all the trainers know me by name because they’re just ultra-perceptive. Sure, it’s my first time at the gym. I’m just asking you to wipe off a bench, it’s not gonna take away from your reps, big guy.
Silence.
Instead of trying to formulate a response, he wiped off the bench. The point is, people, practice some common courtesy. It’s no wonder the world is going to hell gradually. People are just getting lazy when it comes to common courtesy. Guys, if you sweat all over something, wipe it off. Ladies, if you’re washing your car, wear a bikini if you’re hot. The end.
peace sign,
p
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
God is in the TV
Today’s Colbert-ism: “The only reason Superman can fly is because Jesus is carrying him.”
Earlier today I found myself watching Bible TV, you know - one of those Christian channels that has a message and then acts out specific parts of the Bible with characters and the proper settings and camels. Anyway, the segment I watched was from the Book of Matthew and they were talking about worrying about money. The message was that God takes care of the birds, and we’re more important to God than the birds (which is egotistical and not true, because Bald Eagles are birds AND more important to God than “people”). The point is, when I changed the channel after I realized I wasn’t being “entertained,” I felt refreshed because the actresses on that channel are pretty hot. The end.
peace sign,
p
Earlier today I found myself watching Bible TV, you know - one of those Christian channels that has a message and then acts out specific parts of the Bible with characters and the proper settings and camels. Anyway, the segment I watched was from the Book of Matthew and they were talking about worrying about money. The message was that God takes care of the birds, and we’re more important to God than the birds (which is egotistical and not true, because Bald Eagles are birds AND more important to God than “people”). The point is, when I changed the channel after I realized I wasn’t being “entertained,” I felt refreshed because the actresses on that channel are pretty hot. The end.
peace sign,
p
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Big Shot Bob and CSI
Today's Colbert-ism: “Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job.”
**For this post, you’ll need to know that since people tend to find the term “retard” offensive, I instead use the term “tardagain (rhymes with “cardigan”).”**
I hate it when someone takes a light-hearted comment that’s more clever than funny and runs it into the ground. Especially if it’s just a light-hearted comment that someone else latches onto and tries to put his or her own spin on it. Because that usually means the joke isn’t really funny anymore AND they trying to get mileage out of it.
For example, last night I was watching the San Antonio Spurs and the Denver Nuggets play basketball on TNT. At the end of the game San Antonio’s Robert Horry hit a really important three-pointer to basically win the game for San Antonio. The thing is, he’s done that many times before. I mean, they call him "Big Shot Bob." So after the game was over the color commentators said, “Being clutch is just in Robert Horry’s DNA,” as they were sending it to the sideline reporter who was standing with Horry for a post game interview. So she said something like “we’re gonna get CSI over here to check it out.” Yuk, yuk, yuk. Then in the course of the twenty-second interview she referenced “CSI” another three times.
See what she did? She took a light-hearted comment and tried to make it funnier than it was intended to be. Ha ha. We get it. Now shut the hell up, tardagain.
People, resist the urge to do something like that. You’re not funny. You’re definitely not clever. You know why? Because the guy who made the original comment is the clever guy. All you did was recycle their idea and hammer it into our temples. Cut it out... ass. The end.
peace sign,
p
**For this post, you’ll need to know that since people tend to find the term “retard” offensive, I instead use the term “tardagain (rhymes with “cardigan”).”**
I hate it when someone takes a light-hearted comment that’s more clever than funny and runs it into the ground. Especially if it’s just a light-hearted comment that someone else latches onto and tries to put his or her own spin on it. Because that usually means the joke isn’t really funny anymore AND they trying to get mileage out of it.
For example, last night I was watching the San Antonio Spurs and the Denver Nuggets play basketball on TNT. At the end of the game San Antonio’s Robert Horry hit a really important three-pointer to basically win the game for San Antonio. The thing is, he’s done that many times before. I mean, they call him "Big Shot Bob." So after the game was over the color commentators said, “Being clutch is just in Robert Horry’s DNA,” as they were sending it to the sideline reporter who was standing with Horry for a post game interview. So she said something like “we’re gonna get CSI over here to check it out.” Yuk, yuk, yuk. Then in the course of the twenty-second interview she referenced “CSI” another three times.
See what she did? She took a light-hearted comment and tried to make it funnier than it was intended to be. Ha ha. We get it. Now shut the hell up, tardagain.
People, resist the urge to do something like that. You’re not funny. You’re definitely not clever. You know why? Because the guy who made the original comment is the clever guy. All you did was recycle their idea and hammer it into our temples. Cut it out... ass. The end.
peace sign,
p
Monday, April 30, 2007
Colbert-isms
I have decided that every post from here on out (or almost every post) will begin with a "Colbert-ism." A Colbert-ism is a quote from Stephen Colbert's The Colbert Report. They're funny little one-liners that made me laugh, so I will share them with you.
Today's Colbert-ism: “They’ve found a new Earth-like planet. Drive that Hummer all you want!”
The end.
peace sign,
p
Today's Colbert-ism: “They’ve found a new Earth-like planet. Drive that Hummer all you want!”
The end.
peace sign,
p
Friday, April 27, 2007
Fortune cookie
I wanted to tell anyone out there who might be reading, that I got the best news ever today. I'd like to first, preface this by reiterating that I have survived brain surgery, been accepted to the college of my preference twice, been told I am going to be an uncle, and that Weezer "is working on a new album" several times.
None of the above situations comes close to the fantastic news I received today shortly after lunch on the way back to my car. And it came from a Chinese fortune cookie. A fortune cookie from the HyVee food court no less. I had the sweet 'n' sour chicken single entre on a bed of steamed rice.
And it reads:
"You will succeed in anything you put your mind to."
Ignoring for the moment the obvious grammatical error, which can surely be attributed to the translation from Mandarin to English, of ending a sentence with a preposition, please remember that this fortune is unique to me, because these pieces of paper are not mass produced and inserted into foul tasting "cookies" for the sole purpose of a cheap chuckle by adding the phrase "in bed" to the end of the fortune as my friend whom with I dined asserted. Oh, what a delusional fool! I pity his denial. No, I contend that no other of its kind exists in the universe.
Now just think of the ramifications. My fortune brings to light two importantthings. First, it renders null the teachings and philosophy of great thinkers like Jesus, Mohammed, Bon Jovi, Aristotle, and hacks like L. Ron Hubbard and German people. Agape, the Golden Mean, and talking to Martians in order to reach greater levels of spirituality, go out the window.
Secondly, it means I, and I alone, will never ever have to worry any more because of the comfort my fortune offers. All I have to do is think it, and the "it" will happen. For instance, since I began typing this, I have been trying to waste time. And it's working. I am already beginning to see the fruits of my labor. I mean, I wanted to come home and take a nap, and sure enough I did just that because I put my mind to it.
So in closing, I would like to express my gratitude for receiving the best news ever. I intend to put my power to good use. And I will leave you with the fortune my friend was blessed with, which happens to be the second best news ever.
And it reads:
The end.
peace sign,
p
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Dumb girls and such
So there was something in the news this morning that I felt was long over due.; something I expected to see out here in LA long before today. You guessed it: a flasher!
The offender was a male targeting females at Cal St. Northridge. Fox 11 out here was kind enough to interview a couple of female students up there. Those girls were nimrods. They compared getting flashed to the shootings at Virginia Tech. Now getting flashed might be scary at first, but I would think the overall ordeal would leave you a little unsettled, not dead. Those girls should have to grab a nice fluffy towel because they deserve to get kicked out of the gene pool.
Here’s the other thing about flashing. It’s only the dudes who do it that ever get reported. Seriously, when’s the last time a chick got cited for flashing? Doesn’t happen. Here’s why. If a chick flashes a guy he either thinks A) “Thanks, Jesus,” or B) “Damn, you’re ugly,” and then tells said woman she is in fact ugly, which is probably more damaging to her than filing a report.
I guess what I’m getting at is this: I wish a hot girl would flash me. The end.
peace sign,
p
The offender was a male targeting females at Cal St. Northridge. Fox 11 out here was kind enough to interview a couple of female students up there. Those girls were nimrods. They compared getting flashed to the shootings at Virginia Tech. Now getting flashed might be scary at first, but I would think the overall ordeal would leave you a little unsettled, not dead. Those girls should have to grab a nice fluffy towel because they deserve to get kicked out of the gene pool.
Here’s the other thing about flashing. It’s only the dudes who do it that ever get reported. Seriously, when’s the last time a chick got cited for flashing? Doesn’t happen. Here’s why. If a chick flashes a guy he either thinks A) “Thanks, Jesus,” or B) “Damn, you’re ugly,” and then tells said woman she is in fact ugly, which is probably more damaging to her than filing a report.
I guess what I’m getting at is this: I wish a hot girl would flash me. The end.
peace sign,
p
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Airport
I flew from LA to Dallas today and of course, it was more of a hassle than it needed to be. I really don’t mind the lines (as long as they are moving). I don’t mind how crowded it gets. I don’t even mind how small the seats are on EVERY liner. I do however mind the metal detectors. It’s always such a klusterphuck.
They basically make you disrobe. You have to take off your belt, your jacket, your watch, any rings or chains or necklaces that have metal in them, and my personal favorite, your shoes. They whole time you have to keep your ID out and your boarding pass in hand, meanwhile your holding your pants up with one arm, trying to toss your carry-on onto the X-ray belt. If you didn’t have the foresight to untie your shoes in line you have to perform a balancing act to untie them and rip ‘em off to throw into one of those plastic bins. If you did have the foresight to untie your shoes in line, you run the risk of tripping on your laces and falling ass forward into the grumpy guy in front of you who just did the same thing to the grumpy woman in front of him, but still acts like accidents don’t happen. And while you’re at it, don’t forget that you have to take your laptop out of its bag. I honestly think they make us do that just to screw with us a little bit more, like, "Hey guys, watch this." Jackasses.
I seriously wonder if anyone has ever gracefully maneuvered through the metal detectors since the heightened security measures went into effect. I’ve never seen anyone get through with poise and God knows I haven’t. Each time I get through those things I feel like everybody is watching me to see if I know how to tie my shoes, so I feel pressured and it becomes another balancing act, so I look like Heather Mills on a pogo stick trying to diffuse a bomb. It just seems like there would be an easer way to make it go smoothly for everyone. But until I get my own jet, I’ll just have to continue to put up with other peoples crap. The end.
peace sign,
p
They basically make you disrobe. You have to take off your belt, your jacket, your watch, any rings or chains or necklaces that have metal in them, and my personal favorite, your shoes. They whole time you have to keep your ID out and your boarding pass in hand, meanwhile your holding your pants up with one arm, trying to toss your carry-on onto the X-ray belt. If you didn’t have the foresight to untie your shoes in line you have to perform a balancing act to untie them and rip ‘em off to throw into one of those plastic bins. If you did have the foresight to untie your shoes in line, you run the risk of tripping on your laces and falling ass forward into the grumpy guy in front of you who just did the same thing to the grumpy woman in front of him, but still acts like accidents don’t happen. And while you’re at it, don’t forget that you have to take your laptop out of its bag. I honestly think they make us do that just to screw with us a little bit more, like, "Hey guys, watch this." Jackasses.
I seriously wonder if anyone has ever gracefully maneuvered through the metal detectors since the heightened security measures went into effect. I’ve never seen anyone get through with poise and God knows I haven’t. Each time I get through those things I feel like everybody is watching me to see if I know how to tie my shoes, so I feel pressured and it becomes another balancing act, so I look like Heather Mills on a pogo stick trying to diffuse a bomb. It just seems like there would be an easer way to make it go smoothly for everyone. But until I get my own jet, I’ll just have to continue to put up with other peoples crap. The end.
peace sign,
p
Movie Theater Etiquette
Alright, so I wrote this a long time ago, but I saw a trailer for Pirates 3 in the theater today, so I thought I'd repost it. Oh, and just so you know, it contains "language" so mom, don't read it if that's going to ruin it for you. Enjoy...
Listen, there are certain things in this life that really are sacred, not to be tampered with, and a small pleasure in a world full of disproportionate work for pay, tragedy, and disappointment. On the list are baseball games, dinner at a nice restaurant and a good concert--maybe even your favorite musical artist. But I'm choosing to focus today on something I experienced again last night. Actually, it was earlier this morning when I went to a midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.
Great movie. Horrible experience. If you are going to pay ten-fifty to go see a show, don't you really want to see it and not socialize through the whole movie? Maybe these people don't value the experience as much because mommy or daddy paid for the tickets, popcorn, jumbo coke and Milk Duds. Seriously, shut the fuck up. I did pay over an hours wage to see the flick (no matter what it may be) and I really don't want to hear what you and your middle school friends are doing at school next week. And the mom or dad that's just sitting there taking it all in: show some initiative and shut your kid(s) up. Be a parent. More importantly, don't be a milquetoast and just let them sit there and ruin the whole thing for everyone around them.
To make it easier on the casual brain-dead member of society, I am including a list of unacceptable practices at the movie theater.
1. Shut the fuck up. Seriously.
Don't constantly carry on a conversation with your friend. Either get your shit together before the previews or wait until the show's over. No issue meets the criteria for discussion in a movie theater. You know why? Because either it's just not important or it's so important that a movie theater with a bunch of strangers is the very wrong place to have said conversation.
2. Be cool if you're seeing the movie for a second or successive time.
If you've already seen the movie, kudos to you. We're all very impressed. I suppose that does in fact make you a better person than me. But if you remember a part or a quote or a plot twist, DO NOT blurt it out before it happens. I don't want to watch the movie on a two second delay. It's not like it just came to you and you are super-perceptive. You already know what's going to happen, so let us find out for ourselves. A good way to keep from doing this is to get it out of your system before the show starts. Let everyone know how great you think the movie is and that's why you're back to see it again. Now we all know how cool it must be to have extra time in the week.
Also, if you've already seen the movie and you're seeing it with someone who hasn't, stay away from the "Oh, here it comes," or "Ahhh, this part's hilarious, mom." We don't need to be braced for the ensuing action. Let us experience the movie for ourselves.
3. Don't text message during the movie.
I get it. You're doing your part to not disturb me with noise by typing out your conversation. But much like second-hand smoke, text messaging at the theater is the silent killer. You see, they dim the theater lights for a reason. It's so the bright lights emanating from the projector and reflecting on the screen will be the ocular focus. In other words, they light the screen so that you can concentrate on the screen, not the aisles or hot girl sitting near you. Or even the phone in front of you. When you open your phone to text, it creates a very distracting light. So be a sport and don't do that any more.
4. Stop asking so many questions.
I know, sometimes it's really hard to follow a story. Sometimes you can't quite make out what a character said. Go ahead. Lean over and ask your friend what the character said or what the hell is going on if you're lost. But do it quietly. Whisper. And certainly don't do it at a crucial plot point in the story. You might distract the person who is following the story and then it's ruined from then on for both of you, you selfish idiot. And notice I said friend. If you don't know the person next to you, let it go. Unless you're a hot girl and the guy next to you has math-as-a-first-language written all over him, questioning a stranger during the film is a no no. Where your friends will perhaps dismiss the confusion as merely that (confusion), the random stranger will think you're a dumb ass. Don't do it, dumb ass.
5. Infants.
I have no problems with letting babies into the theater. They have as much right to be there as the next human being. Until they start crying. When that happens it's time to take them outside, mom or dad. If you decide to forgo the babysitter for the time-being, realize you run the risk of a tired, cranky, possibly even scared child ready to cut loose and start screaming in a fit of rage. It is your responsibility to forfeit the movie for the benefit of those around you. I know, it sucks. But I didn't bring my kid along, so why should I have to listen to yours? And honestly, with the price of tickets and concessions these days, you'd probably be better off hiring a sitter. But make it someone you know very well and trust. But more importantly, shut your kid up if its crying during the movie.
6. Turn off your cell phones and pagers.
They even tell you this before the movie ever starts. That's why this one ranks so far down the list (not that these are in order). Yet still people leave their phones on just in case that one phone call that will change everything comes in. Well, it's not coming. You know why? Because you're the kind of person who will leave their phone on during a movie! Turn it off.
7. Don't make out in front of me. Do not make out in front of me.
I know. You're 15 and you're crazy in love with your 15 year old girlfriend. First of all, you're not crazy in love. You're 15 and horny and found someone who will actually touch you. See the subtle difference? Here's how it works: Either sit in the very back (behind everyone else) of an uncrowded theater and go wild or wait until it's over and go behind the Little Caesars next to the theater and do it there. But remember, you need to tell your parents that the movie is two hours long, not an hour and a half. If you're over 16 with a valid drivers license and youre making out in a theater, you're lazy.
8. Applause.
Clapping is fine before the movie really starts or when the end credits roll. Don't applaud something during the film. Other people may not connect on the same emotional level when the guy on screen dumps the girl out of spite. You might be the only one clapping. Then you'll just feel stupid.
9. Piss before it starts.
I'm not gonna blame anyone for having to go to the restroom. But you can do yourself and others a favor by going one last time before the show starts. Maybe squeezing the bladder one last time is all you'll need to get to the end of the film before panic mode sets in. And if you know you have a chronic bladder control issue, just sit on the aisle instead of getting up and walking in front of people for two hours.
10. Gum.
There's nothing wrong with gum. Just keep it in your mouth and don't pop it or blow bubbles. If you can pop your gum really loud, you have a talent. A talent that should be displayed outside of a movie theater. Don't forget that.
Alright, so off the top of my head those are the guidelines you should follow. Learn them. Know them. Observe them and love them. They may save you from me someday. The end.
peace sign,
p
Monday, April 16, 2007
Va Tech
My thoughts and prayers are with the Hokies. What happened in Blacksburg today was disgustingly tragic.
I honestly believe in my heart of hearts that everything happens for a reason. But days like these challenge that belief.
I just hope the families of the victims can get some answers, and that their pain will subside over time. The end...
peace sign,
p
I honestly believe in my heart of hearts that everything happens for a reason. But days like these challenge that belief.
I just hope the families of the victims can get some answers, and that their pain will subside over time. The end...
peace sign,
p
Friday, April 13, 2007
Friday the 13th
I just got done watching Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. Except it ended up not being the final chapter or anything close to it because they have since made six more installments-- one of which was titled Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday. That was the ninth installment. Then they made Jason X.
Whatever.
Jason (pronounced hay-sone by my Spanish speaking readers) movies will probably keep getting made until they run out of ways to kill people, which will be tough, because those writers are so creative! So the bad news is we can expect another Friday the 13th installment at any moment. The good news is, pretty soon we will be counting down the days until the new Indiana Jones comes out next May. No, you didn't miss anything; I meant May of '08. Relax.
There are some big names attached, as there had better be for something this big. George Lucas is producing. Spielberg is directing. Yes, Steven. The movie will star Harrison Ford. Yes, Old Balls himself is going to break from feeding Calista long enough to go archeology-ing around one more time in what should be the last, Last Crusade because he's looking OLD. Also, relative newcomer Shia Labeouf will be "starring" along side Indy according to The Sewer Chewer (if you don't get newsletters from CHUD.com, sign up for them now). That's actually good news. Hate on him all you want, he's a better than good actor. It's quite possible he will be a small redeeming factor in what Michael Bay's probably going to do to ruin The Transformers.
But good news can be bad after the fact. Just look at the Star Wars prequels. We waited for years for them to come out. They were largely disappointing. Flashes of brilliance interrupted by choppy dialogue and the occasional "Noooooo!" from Vader when he realized Amidala's fate. I'm just afraid we Indy fans are setting ourselves up for the same type of disappointment. Plus, in my opinion, Harrison Ford's last standout work was in The Fugitive back in 1993. Don't get me wrong, the chemistry between he and sometimes-lesbian Anne Heche was nothing short of orgasmic in Six Days Seven Nights. And this is going to be one of the most highly anticipated unplanned sequels in a long, long time, so he better bring his "A" game.
One thing that I, myself am happy about is that I haven't heard anything about M. Night Shyamalan being attached to the project, so I am pretty sure he didn't write the script. A while ago he was working on and I believe nearly finished an Indy script. Sixth Sense was superb. Unbreakable was pretty cool. Signs was decent enough. Lady in the Water was just odd. See the trend? So it's good that he's nowhere near Indy.
So I'm going to be keeping my fingers crossed that when they begin shooting Indy 4 in June that they are shooting a winner. If not, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised with the next Friday the 13th flick due to my lowered expectations. The end.
peace sign,
p
Whatever.
Jason (pronounced hay-sone by my Spanish speaking readers) movies will probably keep getting made until they run out of ways to kill people, which will be tough, because those writers are so creative! So the bad news is we can expect another Friday the 13th installment at any moment. The good news is, pretty soon we will be counting down the days until the new Indiana Jones comes out next May. No, you didn't miss anything; I meant May of '08. Relax.
There are some big names attached, as there had better be for something this big. George Lucas is producing. Spielberg is directing. Yes, Steven. The movie will star Harrison Ford. Yes, Old Balls himself is going to break from feeding Calista long enough to go archeology-ing around one more time in what should be the last, Last Crusade because he's looking OLD. Also, relative newcomer Shia Labeouf will be "starring" along side Indy according to The Sewer Chewer (if you don't get newsletters from CHUD.com, sign up for them now). That's actually good news. Hate on him all you want, he's a better than good actor. It's quite possible he will be a small redeeming factor in what Michael Bay's probably going to do to ruin The Transformers.
But good news can be bad after the fact. Just look at the Star Wars prequels. We waited for years for them to come out. They were largely disappointing. Flashes of brilliance interrupted by choppy dialogue and the occasional "Noooooo!" from Vader when he realized Amidala's fate. I'm just afraid we Indy fans are setting ourselves up for the same type of disappointment. Plus, in my opinion, Harrison Ford's last standout work was in The Fugitive back in 1993. Don't get me wrong, the chemistry between he and sometimes-lesbian Anne Heche was nothing short of orgasmic in Six Days Seven Nights. And this is going to be one of the most highly anticipated unplanned sequels in a long, long time, so he better bring his "A" game.
One thing that I, myself am happy about is that I haven't heard anything about M. Night Shyamalan being attached to the project, so I am pretty sure he didn't write the script. A while ago he was working on and I believe nearly finished an Indy script. Sixth Sense was superb. Unbreakable was pretty cool. Signs was decent enough. Lady in the Water was just odd. See the trend? So it's good that he's nowhere near Indy.
So I'm going to be keeping my fingers crossed that when they begin shooting Indy 4 in June that they are shooting a winner. If not, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised with the next Friday the 13th flick due to my lowered expectations. The end.
peace sign,
p
Song Lyrics
So I did the movie quotes and figured I shouldn't leave out song lyrics. Some really speak to me and some are poignant. Others are just kinda cool or eerie. So here's a "so far" list, much like the movie quotes. I'll post more as they speak to me in some way. Lots of them have to do with death. Rad nothing into it. I'm healthy and happy:
"Now I walk alone through howlin’ winds
Fast food bags wrapped ‘round my shins
Rememberin’, wonderin’,
In this life, will I ever see you again?"
-Yeah is What We Had by Granddaddy
"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be the sun in somebody else's sky,
But why can't it be mine?"
-Black by Pearl Jam
"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind?"
-Where is My Mind? by (The) Pixies
"I want something good to die for,
To make it beautiful to live"
-Go with the Flow by Queens of the Stone Age
"I can't prepare for death anymore than I already have"
-King's Crossing by Elliott (Paul) Smith
"If you should die before me
Ask if you can bring a friend
Pick a flower, hold your breath
And drift away... "
-Still Remains by (The) Stone Temple Pilots
"The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
has filled the void behind my face"
-The World has Turned and Left Me Here by Weezer
"Now I walk alone through howlin’ winds
Fast food bags wrapped ‘round my shins
Rememberin’, wonderin’,
In this life, will I ever see you again?"
-Yeah is What We Had by Granddaddy
"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be the sun in somebody else's sky,
But why can't it be mine?"
-Black by Pearl Jam
"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind?"
-Where is My Mind? by (The) Pixies
"I want something good to die for,
To make it beautiful to live"
-Go with the Flow by Queens of the Stone Age
"I can't prepare for death anymore than I already have"
-King's Crossing by Elliott (Paul) Smith
"If you should die before me
Ask if you can bring a friend
Pick a flower, hold your breath
And drift away... "
-Still Remains by (The) Stone Temple Pilots
"The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
has filled the void behind my face"
-The World has Turned and Left Me Here by Weezer
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Movie Quotes
So here's a running list of quotes that I thought were worth scribbling down. As I gather new ones, I'll post them in a separate, but for now they are alphabetized by movie title. I hope you can share in my joy with some of them. By no means is the list complete or impressive. In fact, it's kind of pathetic right now. But the plan is to expand on it gradually. Please, enjoy what there is so far:
“It’s by black people and they’re pretty angry most of the time.”
-Nicholas Hoult in About a Boy
“I couldn’t possibly think of a worse godfather for Imogen. You know what I’m like. I’ll drop her on her head at her Christening. I’ll forget all her birthdays until her eighteenth, when I’ll take her out and get her drunk and possibly, let’s face it, you know, try and shag her.”
-Hugh Grant in About a Boy
“Look, that’s a real bullshit question, Woodward. That is a question straight out of Wichita, Kansas.”
-Uncredited by IMDB, The Character Kenneth Clawson, All the President’s Men
“You guys are probably pretty tired. Well you should be. Go home. Get a nice bath. Rest up. Fifteen minutes. Then get your asses back in gear. We’re under a lot of pressure, and you put us there. Nothing’s riding on this except the First Amendment of the constitution. Freedom of the press and maybe the future of the country. Not that any of that matters. But if you guys fuck up again I’m gonna get mad. Goodnight.”
-Jason Robards in All the President’s Men
“Sarcasm is anger’s ugly cousin.”
-Jack Nicholson in Anger Management
“What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude.”
-John Goodman in The Big Lebowski
“I can’t feel my face. I mean I can touch it, but I can’t feel it inside.”
-Bobcat Goldthwait in BLOW
“We’ll start the ass-kissin’ with you.”
-Willem Dafoe in Boondock Saints
“Fuckin’…What the fuckin’ fuck? Who the fuck? Fuck this fuckin’…How did you two fuckin’ fucks?…Fuck!”
-David Della Rocco in Boondock Saints
“They can suck my pathetic little dick, and I’ll dip my nuts in marinara sauce just so the fat bastards can get a taste of home while they’re at it.”
-David Della Rocco in Boondock Saints
“I can’t buy a pack of smokes without runnin’ into nine guys you fucked.”
-David Della Rocco in Boondock Saints
“What we've got here is... failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it... well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men.”
-Strother Martin in Cool Hand Luke
“Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can beat a real cool hand.”
-Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke
“Rome weren’t built in a day, Cole. ‘Course, uh, I wasn’t overseein’ that particular job, but…”
-Michael Wincott in Dead Man
"When I was your age, they would say you could become cops or criminals. What I'm saying is this: When you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?"
Jack Nicholson in The Departed
“Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.”
-Damon Wayans in Major Payne
“Even if a husband lives 200 hundred fucking years, he'll never discover his wife's true nature. I may be able to understand the secrets of the universe, but... I'll never understand the truth about you. Never.”
-Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris
“You know in 15 years, you're going to be playing soccer with your tits. What do you think of that?”
-Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris
“The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can't. But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that some day. And me, for example, I can let you drown, but I can't bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesies, savvy? So, can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not?”
-Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
“Funny ol' world, innit?”
-Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
“I was so lucky getting mono. That was like, the best diet ever.”
-Mira Sorvino in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion
“Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.”
- Mira Sorvino in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion
“Wow. Three kids…You must feel really tied down.”
-Mira Sorvino in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion
“This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.”
- Janeane Garofalo in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion
“It’s by black people and they’re pretty angry most of the time.”
-Nicholas Hoult in About a Boy
“I couldn’t possibly think of a worse godfather for Imogen. You know what I’m like. I’ll drop her on her head at her Christening. I’ll forget all her birthdays until her eighteenth, when I’ll take her out and get her drunk and possibly, let’s face it, you know, try and shag her.”
-Hugh Grant in About a Boy
“Look, that’s a real bullshit question, Woodward. That is a question straight out of Wichita, Kansas.”
-Uncredited by IMDB, The Character Kenneth Clawson, All the President’s Men
“You guys are probably pretty tired. Well you should be. Go home. Get a nice bath. Rest up. Fifteen minutes. Then get your asses back in gear. We’re under a lot of pressure, and you put us there. Nothing’s riding on this except the First Amendment of the constitution. Freedom of the press and maybe the future of the country. Not that any of that matters. But if you guys fuck up again I’m gonna get mad. Goodnight.”
-Jason Robards in All the President’s Men
“Sarcasm is anger’s ugly cousin.”
-Jack Nicholson in Anger Management
“What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude.”
-John Goodman in The Big Lebowski
“I can’t feel my face. I mean I can touch it, but I can’t feel it inside.”
-Bobcat Goldthwait in BLOW
“We’ll start the ass-kissin’ with you.”
-Willem Dafoe in Boondock Saints
“Fuckin’…What the fuckin’ fuck? Who the fuck? Fuck this fuckin’…How did you two fuckin’ fucks?…Fuck!”
-David Della Rocco in Boondock Saints
“They can suck my pathetic little dick, and I’ll dip my nuts in marinara sauce just so the fat bastards can get a taste of home while they’re at it.”
-David Della Rocco in Boondock Saints
“I can’t buy a pack of smokes without runnin’ into nine guys you fucked.”
-David Della Rocco in Boondock Saints
“What we've got here is... failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it... well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men.”
-Strother Martin in Cool Hand Luke
“Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can beat a real cool hand.”
-Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke
“Rome weren’t built in a day, Cole. ‘Course, uh, I wasn’t overseein’ that particular job, but…”
-Michael Wincott in Dead Man
"When I was your age, they would say you could become cops or criminals. What I'm saying is this: When you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?"
Jack Nicholson in The Departed
“Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.”
-Damon Wayans in Major Payne
“Even if a husband lives 200 hundred fucking years, he'll never discover his wife's true nature. I may be able to understand the secrets of the universe, but... I'll never understand the truth about you. Never.”
-Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris
“You know in 15 years, you're going to be playing soccer with your tits. What do you think of that?”
-Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris
“The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can't. But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that some day. And me, for example, I can let you drown, but I can't bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesies, savvy? So, can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not?”
-Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
“Funny ol' world, innit?”
-Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
“I was so lucky getting mono. That was like, the best diet ever.”
-Mira Sorvino in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion
“Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.”
- Mira Sorvino in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion
“Wow. Three kids…You must feel really tied down.”
-Mira Sorvino in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion
“This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.”
- Janeane Garofalo in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion
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