Fortune cookie

I wanted to tell anyone out there who might be reading, that I got the best news ever today. I'd like to first, preface this by reiterating that I have survived brain surgery, been accepted to the college of my preference twice, been told I am going to be an uncle, and that Weezer "is working on a new album" several times.

None of the above situations comes close to the fantastic news I received today shortly after lunch on the way back to my car. And it came from a Chinese fortune cookie. A fortune cookie from the HyVee food court no less. I had the sweet 'n' sour chicken single entre on a bed of steamed rice.

And it reads:

"You will succeed in anything you put your mind to."

Ignoring for the moment the obvious grammatical error, which can surely be attributed to the translation from Mandarin to English, of ending a sentence with a preposition, please remember that this fortune is unique to me, because these pieces of paper are not mass produced and inserted into foul tasting "cookies" for the sole purpose of a cheap chuckle by adding the phrase "in bed" to the end of the fortune as my friend whom with I dined asserted. Oh, what a delusional fool! I pity his denial. No, I contend that no other of its kind exists in the universe.

Now just think of the ramifications. My fortune brings to light two importantthings. First, it renders null the teachings and philosophy of great thinkers like Jesus, Mohammed, Bon Jovi, Aristotle, and hacks like L. Ron Hubbard and German people. Agape, the Golden Mean, and talking to Martians in order to reach greater levels of spirituality, go out the window.

Secondly, it means I, and I alone, will never ever have to worry any more because of the comfort my fortune offers. All I have to do is think it, and the "it" will happen. For instance, since I began typing this, I have been trying to waste time. And it's working. I am already beginning to see the fruits of my labor. I mean, I wanted to come home and take a nap, and sure enough I did just that because I put my mind to it.

So in closing, I would like to express my gratitude for receiving the best news ever. I intend to put my power to good use. And I will leave you with the fortune my friend was blessed with, which happens to be the second best news ever.

And it reads:

"You will soon be involved in many gatherings and parties (in bed)."

The end.

peace sign,
p