Operation Humpback

Tonight's Colbert-ism: “That's why I continue to say that Oregon is California's Canada.”


So there are these two way-ward humpback whales in the Sacramento River who are in danger of swimming too far inland and dying. So the California Coast Guard are running a rescue mission to turn them around and headed out to the ocean again. It’s a mother and her calf named Delta and Dawn. How adorable.

Well, it would be if “Operation Humpback” wasn’t costing the California Coast Guard $100,000 a week. The rescue effort began May 12th. By my estimation, that’s upwards of $300,000. I’m thinking maybe it’s time to let nature takes its course and give up.

Look, the whales are obviously completely stupid. You’re freakin’ humpback whales. It’s kind of hard to get lost from the rest of the group when you’re the largest animal on the planet. Look around. I have a hard time blaming the calf, but if mommy’s retarded, which she clearly must be to swim 90 miles down a river, then baby’s probably not “smart.” Building off of that, we’ll probably spend half a million dollars to get these brain dead mammals—that’s right kids, same phylum as we humans—back out to sea only to have them die of something really dumb. Like drowning.

You can call me heartless or whatever. I’ll admit it, it’s a little hypocritical of me. I’ve been lost many times before. I’m “directionally challenged.” But I’ve never wandered somewhere where I could get killed. Like Compton. So to reiterate, it’s time to let them go. Maybe use some of that money for some of the worst school districts in the nation. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about the cost. Disney’s probably already working on a script with a happy ending. Maybe some of the proceeds from the movie can go to the school systems out here. Wait, who am I kidding? It’s Disney—nevermind. The end.

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Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Tonight's Colbert-ism: “I don't trust books; they're all fact, no heart.”


Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End opens across the country today. But in LA, where I reside, showings began at 8 PM on Thursday. So, at 5 AM, I will be at The El Capitan Theatre on Hollywood Blvd watching the final installment of the trilogy. I really, really hope it lives up to the expectations I have for it. I'm watching Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest right now to brush up on where things left off. The end.

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Orange Juice

Tonight's Colbert-ism: “When I heard that question I just got so excited I felt like someone had hooked my genitals up to a car battery.”


Hey, guys, how many different kinds of orange juice do we really need? Here’s a list of the different varieties of Tropicana Premium Orange Juices:

No pulp
Some Pulp
Lots of Pulp
Calcium + Vitamin D
Lots of Pulp Calcium + Vitamin D
Fiber
Low Acid
Healthy Heart
Healthy Kids
Antioxidant Advantage
Light ‘n Healthy with Calcium
Light ‘n Healthy with Pulp
Organic Orange Juice
Organic Orchard Medley

What? No Light ‘n Healthy with Some Pulp? I spent 15 minutes today trying to figure out what kind of OJ to buy and nearly shit myself with anxiety. It was the most frustrating thing I did today. What if I got the wrong kind? What if I want Low Acid and Healthy Heart? Can the differing kinds of juices be mixed? What happens if I needed Fiber and got No Pulp? Will it kill me?

Hell, I get frustrated with the fact that there are four different kinds of milk now. Then there are six different kinds of turkey to buy for lunch meat. It’s all too confusing. It’s actually a real problem, I think. As a society we’ve begun to cater too much to each and every individual’s needs. That’s not as great as it sounds. Furthermore, it’s making it tougher for an average person like myself to make simple decisions. Do I want whole milk, skim milk, 2% milk, or Vitamin D milk? So many choices can mean that the choices out there suck, and there’s not a clear-cut favorite.

Let me blow this concept up into a larger more important scenario. Going off the idea that “we” cater too much to each individual person’s needs/wants, we get presidential candidates who live on the fence during campaign season. Some like John Kerry switched stances multiple times during their candidacy. We end up with several choices for presidential candidates, yet with so much pandering to poles and public opinion, we end up without a desirable favorite. Sure, there are standouts like Obama, or Hilary Clinton, or Rudy Giuliani, or McCain. These names stand out. But are they really desirable favorites? If so, are they desirable for the right reasons?

The orange juice I bought today won’t kill me or even affect my life in a noticeable way. By the way, I went with Antioxidant Advantage. But figuring out who should “lead” America from 2008 to 2012, is a decision that will affect millions of Americans and illegal Mexicans. It’s time for the candidates to man-up and say what they really think. Quit looking at the poles and start looking at what you believe and stand for. I guess what I’m trying to say is, we need to get away from making sure everyone is taken care of and no one gets upset/offended. It’s not ideal for a functioning democracy. BUT…that doesn’t mean we can’t be civil. The end.

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Ten and Tall

Tonight's Colbert-ism: “Nation, I’m a big man, and I’m not afraid to admit mistakes...that my interns have made.”


I just saw a commercial sponsored by the US Department of Transportation. It said until kids are four foot nine, they should be in a booster seat while riding in a car. Four foot nine? Holy shit— I just made the cutoff! For those of you who might not know, I’m only five foot four— and that’s stretching it. So basically all these nine and ten year olds are on TV talking about how tall they are for their age, but yet still not tall enough to ride in a car without a booster seat. And I can relate. I know how they feel when they can’t reach the car ceiling to redirect the cold air that’s blowing directly on them. I know what it’s like to have your legs dangle while sitting on the toilet, only to hop off the seat and find that one foot has gone to sleep. I know what it’s like every night to climb the ladder to get into my bunk, only to stare up at the underneath of the top bunk.

So kids, if you’re reading this, first of all, you shouldn’t be. Your parents should be keeping a closer eye on what you’re looking at on the internet. Second, I used to be tall for my age when I was ten. I even played center on my basketball team. Soak it in, because some day it’s all gonna level out. I’m not saying you’ll only grow to be five feet tall. But I bet none of you will be seven feet or even six foot five. What I’m getting at is a larger issue: the growing sense of entitlement ten year olds are developing. It can be as simple as not wanting to sit in a booster seat to as serious as dictating what channel is on television by hogging the remote control. I didn’t like Full House the first time. Reruns are even worse.

So parents, if you’re reading this and you have a “tall” kid, make sure you keep them in line. Make sure they eat their veggies and make sure they don’t get a brain tumor. Otherwise, they may turn into me. And I don’t want that, because I enjoy being the king of self-deprecating humor. The end.

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TV Advice

Tonight's Colbert-ism: “Isn't a centrist someone who doesn't have the balls to be a fanatic?”


When my friends come to me with a “problem” or to seek advice, I always make it clear at the outset that I may not have an answer, suggestion or advice. Furthermore, if I do make a suggestion, I make it clear that I may not be fully qualified to give said advice. I say this having taken enough psychology credits to minor in psych. The only problem being the University of Kansas does not offer a psych minor.

So it bothers me when people on television give advice for things they aren’t qualified to give advice on. For instance, Jillian Barberie of Good Day LA/Fox 11 Morning News and formerly of Fox NFL Sunday. She has a degree in broadcast journalism and that’s it. So I have a little bit of a problem with her segment “Ask Jillian” every morning. I mean, she’s not even a weatherman—she’s a weatherwoman. What qualifications does she have for telling random people on the street how to handle their boss, spouse, child, parent, siblings, or coworkers? None.

Then there’s Tyra Banks. What a freakin’ joke. This woman once broke down in tears in front of a group of obese women because of how she was treated when she went undercover in a fat suit. Last time I checked, being a super model doesn’t put you in any position to tell kids to stay in school—especially when you didn’t go to college yourself. I’m not knocking people who don’t go to college. But I doubt they have the proper training to tell us how to live our lives. At most she should be telling us cosmetic and wardrobe secrets. But keeping a video diary of your “trip to Promises rehab center in Malibu?” First of all, here’s a snippet of what she posted on her website:


“I feel like I’ve been very lucky because I don’t really have an addictive personality. I’ve never had any drugs and I had a little taste of alcohol when I was 12-years-old, but that’s about it.”


Twelve? You started drinking when you were twelve? I was 20 before I had the balls to sneak beer into my dorm. That doesn’t make you seem like an “everyman,” T. You’re an idiot. Go hang out in traffic. Second, you’re not on drugs. At least if you are, you hide it very well, or comparatively better than Britney or Lindsay. So your trip to rehab should be much more pleasant than say Courtney Love trying to come off heroine. Third, when you consider all the amenities at Promises, it’s more of a country club than a rehab center. Hell, when I heard Lohan was going in, I thought about checking in. Water fountains, horseback riding, oceanfront view, loose movie stars—my 21st birthday wasn’t that cool.

So, when you’re not qualified to give advice, and you don’t acknowledge that you aren’t qualified to give advice, and you disseminate information that may or may not be accurate/healthy, you a) look like an ass and b) could be doing more harm than good. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Lohan, call me. I have beer. The end.

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Movie

Today's Colbert-ism: “I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!”


Today I began work as a Production Assistant for a feature film called Sister Switch. The shoot is scheduled to last 10 days. Anyway, I'm really tired, so there will be no witty insight tonight. Just this announcement that I;m actually doing something for the next week and a half. The end.

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Alec Baldwin's Unruly Seed

Tonight’s Colbert-ism: “I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.”


Why is every one so pissed off at Alec Baldwin for leaving that "angry" message on his daughter Ireland’s phone? I mean, seriously, it wasn’t that bad. Since when did “rude, thoughtless little pig” become verbal abuse? Naming the kid “Ireland” seems like more of an injustice than some tough love. Seriously, if calling someone a rude pig is abusive, then all of my friends and I should be locked up in solitary. Seriously, earlier today my best friend told me I was gay and I called me retarded. Neither of us are complaining.

Furthermore, when I was younger and taking advantage of my parents, they never hesitated to “straighten” me out. In fact, when I was real bad (and I was) I’d get a swift swat on the ass. To this day I cringe when I hear the words “wooden spoon.” I’m not scarred psychologically or physically because of it. It made me a more responsible, respectable person. They didn’t let me run wild, and I was never in any serious trouble in school and I’ve never been arrested. You wouldn’t think that would be hard, but look at people who never got punished as kids: Paris Hiton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears. Someone should have stepped in and straightened them out.

So I applaud Mr. Baldwin for stepping in and acting like a responsible parent. It’s good that he’s holding his daughter accountable for her disrespect. Something tells me Kim isn’t doing much to bring her child up as a non-spoiled brat. The end.

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MLB Cat Fight

Today's Colbert-ism: “Anyone can read the news to you. What I plan to do is feel the news at you.”


MLB starting to look like high school
by JP Winters

Boston – So a couple of weeks ago Baltimore Orioles announcer Gary Thorne told everyone that Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling lied about a bloody sock. Schilling pitched in the 2004 post season with an “injury” that caused his ankle to bleed through his sock.

At first, Thorne was all, “It was painted. Doug Mirabelli confessed up to it after. It was all for PR."

Ohhh, Mirabelli was piiiiised, and even called Thorne a “f---ing liar.”

So Schilling was all, “It was blood. You can choose to believe whatever you need to, but facts are facts,” on his blog. But Curt’s kind of a tool, so he, like, added, “My only real problem is not that Gary Thorne said something stupid and ignorant, which he did, but that without a word being uttered by anyone in our clubhouse this somehow became a major news story.”

So then in Baltimore, Thorne went all whiney bitch on everyone and goes, “I reported what I heard and what I honestly felt was said. Having talked with him today, there's no doubt in my mind that's not what he said, that's not what he meant ... I took it as something serious, and it wasn't. I’m retarded. I hope we can just LOL about it now."

But Curt can’t let anything go, so he was all, “OMG! So Gary Thorne says that Doug told him the blood was fake. Which even when he's called out he can't admit he lied. Thorne overheard something and then misreported what he overheard. Not only did he misreport it, he misinterpreted what he misreported. Ass.”

Anyway a couple of weeks go by and Curt realized he hadn’t said anything dickish in a while. Also, he was super-pissed that Roger Clemens was in the news for signing with the Yankees for way more money than Curt makes. So yesterday he made incriminating remarks about San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds. Bonds, who is approaching the most coveted record in all of professional sports, Hank Aaron’s home run record, has been accused by the media, fans, and fellow athletes of using steroids to enhance performance since he went form looking like Chris Rock to The Rock over night.

Schilling, in his weekly radio interview with WEEI’s “Dennis and Callahan” show, went all PMS on Bonds going, “I mean, he admitted that he used steroids. I mean, there's no gray area. He admitted to cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes, and cheating on the game.” Then for good measure quickly added, “Douche.”

It should be noted that Bonds has repeated publicly denied knowingly taking steroids. But come on…

So this morning confessed former steroid user and failed porn star (ironically due to the side effects of steroids) Jose Canseco heard what Schilling said from Jay Crawford on ESPN’s First Take, and he was all, “Well he’s you’re typical hypocrite. He’s your typical politician. That’s what they do. Um, they’re liars, uh, they just don’t answer questions properly. And they have this arrogance about them.”

No word yet on Schilling’s plans to run of office in Massachusetts.

Then Canseco went all psycho on Major League Baseball by speculating a steroid scandal cover up to circumvent a congressional investigation. “Here’s the sitch: Obviously Major League Baseball controlled and manipulated the actual results. Well, I mean, they have certain codes for example when you send in a players results its coded in a number and only Major League Baseball knows how to tie ‘em in to a player’s name. Obviously they control the results. They’re the ones that uh control the laboratories that actually test these players. They’re in the driver’s seat.”

Then Schilling’s teammate David Ortiz was all, “WTF!!! To hit the ball, (Bonds) makes it look easy, but it ain't. I don't know how you can have that swing, consistently. I don't know how steroids can do that,” so you know he and Curt aren’t BFF. But Ortiz kept going and was all, “There are supposed to be guys using steroids in the game, and there's nobody close to Barry Bonds. What's that mean? He was using the best [stuff]? Know what I'm saying?”

No.

Anyway, it’s gonna be super cool later this summer because Boston and San Francisco play an inter league series. I smell cat fight! The End.

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Driveway Fiasco

Tonight’s Colbert-ism: “I don't hate the truth. It's facts I'm not a fan of.”


This morning I watched my neighbor’s wife back out of the driveway and it was something to be marveled at. It was the opposite of NASCAR. It was like a high-speed Hollywood car crash stunt gone awry except at 2 miles per hour.

All she had to do was back up in a straight line for about 40 feet. Not a monumental task – even for a woman. She managed to run her left tires off the driveway and into her side garden, then pulled forward only to run into a large blue recycle bin. She then pulled back out to the point where the rear of her car was sticking out in the middle of the street and just stopped. She put it in park and got out with the car still running and skipped like a gay man on roller-skates to the door, touched the doorframe with her left hand and then turned around and bolted back to her car, as awkwardly as before. I’ll probably never know why she did that.

The whole time she had the facial expression of a drunken camel with downs trying to screw a bicycle tire. To say she wasn’t in control of the situation would be putting it mildly. I had the pleasure of watching this transpire because I was walking back from the convenience store at the end of the street. I’m really glad I timed my trip to the store so perfectly. Probably the most entertaining 5 and a half minutes of my day. The end.

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Lazy Gym Rats

Today's Colbert-ism: “I've swallowed 18 condoms full of truth and I'm headed across the border!”


I had an encounter at the gym today. I want to first say that not every one who goes to the gym is being “active.” Many people are actually super-lazy when they get there. There’s two kinds of lazy, too. The first is the woman who camps out on a weight bench and talks on the cell phone while we all wait on her. The second type of lazy “worker-outter” is the guy who doesn’t rack his weights or put medicine balls back after he’s done with them. My encounter was with the second kind of lazy.

It started out simple enough. This guy was using the bench press and I was going to use it after him. So I asked him how many more sets he had. He said he had two more. I said, “Cool. Take your time.” Up to know, everything’s cool. So he gets finished with his second set and tells me it’s all mine. But I quickly noticed a puddle of sweat where his head and back were. So I asked, “Hey, man, could you wipe down the bench real quick?” So he set his towel down on the spot and then picked it up real quick.

This is the turning point in the story where I start to get pissed with Pedro.

The bench was still covered with sweat. The conversation then went thus:

P: Could you actually wipe the whole bench?

PEDRO: It’ll dry.

P: Well, it’s not dry yet and I’m ready to go.

PEDRO: What? Is this your first time at the gym?

(I lose it right here…)

P: Yeah, I know where all the signs that say “wipe your shit off when your done” are, I’m a foot shorter than you and I bench twenty pounds more than you, and all the trainers know me by name because they’re just ultra-perceptive. Sure, it’s my first time at the gym. I’m just asking you to wipe off a bench, it’s not gonna take away from your reps, big guy.

Silence.

Instead of trying to formulate a response, he wiped off the bench. The point is, people, practice some common courtesy. It’s no wonder the world is going to hell gradually. People are just getting lazy when it comes to common courtesy. Guys, if you sweat all over something, wipe it off. Ladies, if you’re washing your car, wear a bikini if you’re hot. The end.

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God is in the TV

Today’s Colbert-ism: “The only reason Superman can fly is because Jesus is carrying him.”


Earlier today I found myself watching Bible TV, you know - one of those Christian channels that has a message and then acts out specific parts of the Bible with characters and the proper settings and camels. Anyway, the segment I watched was from the Book of Matthew and they were talking about worrying about money. The message was that God takes care of the birds, and we’re more important to God than the birds (which is egotistical and not true, because Bald Eagles are birds AND more important to God than “people”). The point is, when I changed the channel after I realized I wasn’t being “entertained,” I felt refreshed because the actresses on that channel are pretty hot. The end.

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Big Shot Bob and CSI

Today's Colbert-ism: “Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job.”


**For this post, you’ll need to know that since people tend to find the term “retard” offensive, I instead use the term “tardagain (rhymes with “cardigan”).”**

I hate it when someone takes a light-hearted comment that’s more clever than funny and runs it into the ground. Especially if it’s just a light-hearted comment that someone else latches onto and tries to put his or her own spin on it. Because that usually means the joke isn’t really funny anymore AND they trying to get mileage out of it.

For example, last night I was watching the San Antonio Spurs and the Denver Nuggets play basketball on TNT. At the end of the game San Antonio’s Robert Horry hit a really important three-pointer to basically win the game for San Antonio. The thing is, he’s done that many times before. I mean, they call him "Big Shot Bob." So after the game was over the color commentators said, “Being clutch is just in Robert Horry’s DNA,” as they were sending it to the sideline reporter who was standing with Horry for a post game interview. So she said something like “we’re gonna get CSI over here to check it out.” Yuk, yuk, yuk. Then in the course of the twenty-second interview she referenced “CSI” another three times.

See what she did? She took a light-hearted comment and tried to make it funnier than it was intended to be. Ha ha. We get it. Now shut the hell up, tardagain.

People, resist the urge to do something like that. You’re not funny. You’re definitely not clever. You know why? Because the guy who made the original comment is the clever guy. All you did was recycle their idea and hammer it into our temples. Cut it out... ass. The end.

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