I'm Not Laughing

Tonight's Colbert-ism: “If the Russians gain control of the North Pole folks, they will control Christmas.”


A couple of days ago when I was still in Kansas City, my cousins suggested that we all watch Night a the Museum. I was very hesitant because I'm not a fan of Ben Stiller at all. The movie was decent enough, but that's not the point. Here are some other "funny men" that I don't think are very funny:

Ben Stiller (just to be clear)
Robin Williams
Jack Black
Jim Carrey

Don't get me wrong. There are times when these people have made me chuckle. I just dont want to sit through 90 minutes of them in a comedic role. But...I did think Jack Black was great in Kong and Carrey was great in Truman Show and Spotless Mind. Oh, and Williams was excellent in Good Will Hunting. All were dramatic roles. I guess what I'm saying is, I wish Tim Allen would stop making crappy Christmas movies. He sucks, too. The end.

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Travel Day

Tonight's Colbert-ism: "Well you know forest is a renewable resource because--I don't know if you know this: trees grow."


Well, today was a travel day for me. I came back to LA from KC. The people at Hertz tried to rip me off but the lady behind the counter saved the day. So that was good. The last thing I did before I left a muggy, rainy Kansas City was have a tall Boulevard Wheat. God bless good beer. And when I landed in LA it was 72 and sunny. I'm determined to really get after it now and get some good work in on some projects. I guess what I'm saying is, I wish it wasn't so expensive to get from the airport to my house. The end.

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I Knew It!

Tonight's Colbert-ism: "Before we get to the main attraction folks, here's a preview of a movie that will be destroying America next spring. It's called 10,000 B.C. This 'schlockbuster' will spread the vicious rumor that there was a 10,000 B.C. Everyone knows the world is 6,000 years old. Look it up in any geology text book that is also the Bible."


All I have to say about Lindsay Lohan's arrest earlier today is this: "I told you so! I called it a few days back." Just check out my July 16th post. The end.

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JC Penney Dating Service

Tonight's Colbert-ism: "Having gays move into your neighborhood may increase property values, which will come in handy when you immediately sell your house."


I just saw the most perplexing commercial I've seen in a while. And I got a degree in "making commercials." The ad was for JC Penney. This little girl-- she couldn't have been more than 11-- scribbles "SM + LC" in the middle of a heart she's sketched in a notebook. Then a class mate passes behind her, so the little girl quickly covers the heart with her hands to shield the scribbling from anyone else's sight. The scribbling on the notebook disappears only to magically reappear on the chalkboard, so she races over to cover up the chalkboard. This continues a few more times until the scribbled heart magically appears on the lunch table, so she takes a running leap, slides down the lunch table on her belly and covers up the embarrassing heart. When she looks up, there is the boy who's initials she scribbled into the heart. He gives her a little wink and a nod of the head. Then the tagline says something like "Will you make today count?" or something like that. Again, it was JC Penney!

What?

Is JC Penney trying to get kids to start dating? At no point did I see any sort of effort to show clothing. Seriously, the commercial left me with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Not because I'm against kids that young showing any sort of interest in the opposite sex, but because when I was 12 I wasn't smooth enough to wink at a chick. I'm still not that smooth. I guess what I'm sayin' is, it's too cold in the grogery store to wear flip flops. The end.

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Runnin' with the Bulls

Tonight's Colbert-ism: "The obvious question is, ‘What’s the sexiest ant you’ve ever photographed?’ Quick—without thinking."


Well, folks, July 12th was the annual running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Is Spain so boring that they have to release raging bulls into the streets once a year? And who are the dumbasses who think it's a good idea to have a few drinks before trying to run away from angry, charging bulls? Oh, that's right: Americans.

Americans like the Lenihan brothers, Laurence and Michael. Here's a picture from their trip to Spain: http://news.yahoo.com/photo/070712/ids_photos_wl/r351009548.jpg;_ylt=AmUbUS1qEkBjKLSiviBVMj_q188F

If that picture's not a constant reminder of how much fun they had racing bulls down a narrow street, I bet the scar tissue in their asses will be! How does the idea of getting drunk at a Spanish pub and then racing bulls even come to light? Probably while getting drunk at an American pub.

But I tell you one thing, the bull in that picture has got to be the coolest bull ever. How many bulls ever gore one guy directly in the pooper? This bull got two dudes at the same time and they were brothers! Plus some other dude was right there to get a great picture of the whole thing. You know that bulls head was on the upswing and he was getting ready to smile for the camera like, "Check this out!"

I guess the point is, you mess with the bull, you get the horns. You run with the bulls, you and your brother could get tagged by the same bull at the same time and someone's probably gonna be there to take a picture. The end.

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Lindsay's Out of Rehab

"And my guest, Doug Bailey, is here to talk about how he's forming a new centrist party. I'll show him my centrist finger."


Yesterday was Lindsay Lohan’s first day out of rehab since checking in in June. And reports say she spent the evening at Pure Night Club in Las Vegas. Really? The very day you get out of rehab you go to a night club? That’s like eating a bag of Skittles, then taking a bite of celery, then rippin’ open a box of Milk Duds. I mean, she was in rehab in LA and drove four hours to get to Pure. That takes effort.

But I don’t blame Lindsay. I blame her mother. Seriously, what has she been thinking this whole time? I know she wants to be friends with Lindsay and that’s why they go out drinking together. But I think Lindsay probably treats her like the friend we all had in college or high school who was only around because they were old enough to buy alcohol. Like, “Sure, mom, you can come to the Viper Room with us, just don’t sit too close.” All I have to say is Lindsay’s mom better stop being her friend and start being her mom because if she’s smart, she’ll understand that that money train named Lindsay she’s riding on is unstable and pretty soon it’s gonna derail. The end.

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Reality is Better than Fiction

Tonight's Colbert-ism: "If it was in my best interest to know the CIA was kidnapping people they would have told me. And then kidnapped me."


I saw a commercial today that took a real historic event and changed the outcome. The commercial was for a video game. I think it was "NCAA Football '08" by EA Sports, but that's not really important. The commercial changes the end result of last seasons' Fiesta Bowl when Oklahoma and Boise St. met and went to overtime. Here's how the commercial plays out the last play of the game (you can watch the actual spot by going here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBk80OIvcvk):

Boise naps the ball from the three yard line, going for the two point conversion. If they make it, they win. If they come up even an inch short they lose. It's that simple. Boise quarterback Jared Zabransky drops back and flings his throwing arm forward, faking a pass, causing the defense to freeze for a split second. The quarterback then reaches behind himself with his left arm and slyly hands the ball off to the running back Ian Johnson, never once even turning his head. Johnson cuts back left. He has a clear shot at the end zone when out of nowhere a linebacker from Oklahoma stands him up at the goal line. Game over. Oklahoma wins the game and the trophy. The crowd chants, "Boomer! Sooner!" (Quite possibly the second gayest chant in college next to Arkansas' "Pig Sooo-ey!") Anyway, the tag line at the end reads, "How does it feel?"

Here's what really happened:

Zabransky made the same pass fake and the same no-look hand-off to Johnson. Johnson DID cut back left except this time he went into the end zone untouched. Boise St. shocks Oklahoma with yet another trick play (I'll explain in a moment). David has beaten Goliath. But Johnson didn't stop running when he hit the end zone. After the scored the winning points of the best game of the year, century, and millennium he ran over to his hot cheerleader girlfriend and like the stud he is, proposed to her. On national television.

She said yes. How does that feel.

That play happened after Boise St. drove 78 yards in 62 seconds to tie the game. During that drive, Boise converted a 4th and 18 for a touchdown by running a hook and ladder play. THAT NEVER WORKS. I guess my point is that the reality of that situation is better than the fiction that can be created by any video game. And that's the case with most things in life. Except for Transformers. That movie is awesome. The end.

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Happy Birthday

Tonight's Colbert-ism: "Welcome back. Merry Christmas. And to my Spanish viewers: Merry Christmas, learn English."


Today was Weezer bassist Scott Shriner's birthday. Happy birthday, Scott. Tell Rivers to hurry up with that new album.

Also, my homies, Weezer will be featured on the new Guitar Hero video game coming out this October. Guitar Hero will have "My Name is Jonas" as a track. The end.

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Midsummer Classic

Tonight's Colbert-ism: "It's never too late to take a stand after it's too late."


Tonight I watched the Major League Baseball All-Star game. It turned out to be a decent game late, which is always good. And for once, MLB did something right. Before the game, which was in San Francisco’s AT&T Ballpark, MLB paid tribute to one of the greatest players in the history of the sport. Good job baseball. Unlike the steroids scandal, the Pete Rose tragedy, and even past all-star games that ended in ties, you finally managed to do something the right way. You honored a man with integrity and class with integrity and class. I commend you.

However, there is still a problem with the all-star game itself. For one, the opening ceremonies are as long as the game. I wouldn’t mind that being the case if the opening ceremonies were filled with important and interesting events, like the tribute to the Say Hey Kid. But they aren’t and they’re boring. It took fifteen minutes to announce the starting line ups. That’s insane. I’m a Kansas City Royals fan, but I didn’t need to hear Gil Meche’s name and watch him wave to a stadium full of people who didn’t care. By the way, that was the pinnacle of his all-star weekend because he didn’t get in the actual game. Stop introducing everyone. Better yet, get rid of the rule that states one player from each team must have a representative. That’s stupid. Kansas City doesn’t deserve a representative. Neither does Chicago (White Sox) or Washington or Baltimore. It’s stupid. Watching Alyssa Milano talk about her baseball fan-friendly womens’ clothing line was much more interesting than listening to the line-ups, and only because she’s smokin’ hot. Seriously, in my top ten for sure.

Then they had a guy come out and try to hit three balls off a tee for a million dollars. None of his hits made it out of the infield. But you gotta get your plug in for you advertisers. No all-star game from AT&T Ballpark would be complete without the State Farm swing for a million. Advertising has gotten out of hand.

Even last night’s Home Run Derby was boring. Why? Because nobody was hitting any home runs. It was pathetic. It would have at least been interesting if anyone important had been in it. Alex Rios? Matt Holliday? Magglio Ordonez? Raise your hand if you’re a casual fan and you’ve hear of two of those people. What happened to Ken Griffey, Jr., and A-Rod and Barry Bonds? Or many Ramirez even?

I hear stories about Willie Mays and Roberto Clemente lighting it up on all-star night. They used to let them play nine full innings or at least get two at-bats. Now you have to use quotes when talking about “all-stars” and the real deserving players—Jeter, Beckett, and A-Rod—get one at-bat or one inning to pitch and then they have to go to the bench so that the representative from Colorado can get in the game. It’s too bad. The end.

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