MLB Cat Fight

Today's Colbert-ism: “Anyone can read the news to you. What I plan to do is feel the news at you.”


MLB starting to look like high school
by JP Winters

Boston – So a couple of weeks ago Baltimore Orioles announcer Gary Thorne told everyone that Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling lied about a bloody sock. Schilling pitched in the 2004 post season with an “injury” that caused his ankle to bleed through his sock.

At first, Thorne was all, “It was painted. Doug Mirabelli confessed up to it after. It was all for PR."

Ohhh, Mirabelli was piiiiised, and even called Thorne a “f---ing liar.”

So Schilling was all, “It was blood. You can choose to believe whatever you need to, but facts are facts,” on his blog. But Curt’s kind of a tool, so he, like, added, “My only real problem is not that Gary Thorne said something stupid and ignorant, which he did, but that without a word being uttered by anyone in our clubhouse this somehow became a major news story.”

So then in Baltimore, Thorne went all whiney bitch on everyone and goes, “I reported what I heard and what I honestly felt was said. Having talked with him today, there's no doubt in my mind that's not what he said, that's not what he meant ... I took it as something serious, and it wasn't. I’m retarded. I hope we can just LOL about it now."

But Curt can’t let anything go, so he was all, “OMG! So Gary Thorne says that Doug told him the blood was fake. Which even when he's called out he can't admit he lied. Thorne overheard something and then misreported what he overheard. Not only did he misreport it, he misinterpreted what he misreported. Ass.”

Anyway a couple of weeks go by and Curt realized he hadn’t said anything dickish in a while. Also, he was super-pissed that Roger Clemens was in the news for signing with the Yankees for way more money than Curt makes. So yesterday he made incriminating remarks about San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds. Bonds, who is approaching the most coveted record in all of professional sports, Hank Aaron’s home run record, has been accused by the media, fans, and fellow athletes of using steroids to enhance performance since he went form looking like Chris Rock to The Rock over night.

Schilling, in his weekly radio interview with WEEI’s “Dennis and Callahan” show, went all PMS on Bonds going, “I mean, he admitted that he used steroids. I mean, there's no gray area. He admitted to cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes, and cheating on the game.” Then for good measure quickly added, “Douche.”

It should be noted that Bonds has repeated publicly denied knowingly taking steroids. But come on…

So this morning confessed former steroid user and failed porn star (ironically due to the side effects of steroids) Jose Canseco heard what Schilling said from Jay Crawford on ESPN’s First Take, and he was all, “Well he’s you’re typical hypocrite. He’s your typical politician. That’s what they do. Um, they’re liars, uh, they just don’t answer questions properly. And they have this arrogance about them.”

No word yet on Schilling’s plans to run of office in Massachusetts.

Then Canseco went all psycho on Major League Baseball by speculating a steroid scandal cover up to circumvent a congressional investigation. “Here’s the sitch: Obviously Major League Baseball controlled and manipulated the actual results. Well, I mean, they have certain codes for example when you send in a players results its coded in a number and only Major League Baseball knows how to tie ‘em in to a player’s name. Obviously they control the results. They’re the ones that uh control the laboratories that actually test these players. They’re in the driver’s seat.”

Then Schilling’s teammate David Ortiz was all, “WTF!!! To hit the ball, (Bonds) makes it look easy, but it ain't. I don't know how you can have that swing, consistently. I don't know how steroids can do that,” so you know he and Curt aren’t BFF. But Ortiz kept going and was all, “There are supposed to be guys using steroids in the game, and there's nobody close to Barry Bonds. What's that mean? He was using the best [stuff]? Know what I'm saying?”

No.

Anyway, it’s gonna be super cool later this summer because Boston and San Francisco play an inter league series. I smell cat fight! The End.

peace sign,
p