Listen, there are certain things in this life that really are sacred, not to be tampered with, and a small pleasure in a world full of disproportionate work for pay, tragedy, and disappointment. On the list are baseball games, dinner at a nice restaurant and a good concert--maybe even your favorite musical artist. But I'm choosing to focus today on something I experienced again last night. Actually, it was earlier this morning when I went to a midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.
Great movie. Horrible experience. If you are going to pay ten-fifty to go see a show, don't you really want to see it and not socialize through the whole movie? Maybe these people don't value the experience as much because mommy or daddy paid for the tickets, popcorn, jumbo coke and Milk Duds. Seriously, shut the fuck up. I did pay over an hours wage to see the flick (no matter what it may be) and I really don't want to hear what you and your middle school friends are doing at school next week. And the mom or dad that's just sitting there taking it all in: show some initiative and shut your kid(s) up. Be a parent. More importantly, don't be a milquetoast and just let them sit there and ruin the whole thing for everyone around them.
To make it easier on the casual brain-dead member of society, I am including a list of unacceptable practices at the movie theater.
1. Shut the fuck up. Seriously.
Don't constantly carry on a conversation with your friend. Either get your shit together before the previews or wait until the show's over. No issue meets the criteria for discussion in a movie theater. You know why? Because either it's just not important or it's so important that a movie theater with a bunch of strangers is the very wrong place to have said conversation.
2. Be cool if you're seeing the movie for a second or successive time.
If you've already seen the movie, kudos to you. We're all very impressed. I suppose that does in fact make you a better person than me. But if you remember a part or a quote or a plot twist, DO NOT blurt it out before it happens. I don't want to watch the movie on a two second delay. It's not like it just came to you and you are super-perceptive. You already know what's going to happen, so let us find out for ourselves. A good way to keep from doing this is to get it out of your system before the show starts. Let everyone know how great you think the movie is and that's why you're back to see it again. Now we all know how cool it must be to have extra time in the week.
Also, if you've already seen the movie and you're seeing it with someone who hasn't, stay away from the "Oh, here it comes," or "Ahhh, this part's hilarious, mom." We don't need to be braced for the ensuing action. Let us experience the movie for ourselves.
3. Don't text message during the movie.
I get it. You're doing your part to not disturb me with noise by typing out your conversation. But much like second-hand smoke, text messaging at the theater is the silent killer. You see, they dim the theater lights for a reason. It's so the bright lights emanating from the projector and reflecting on the screen will be the ocular focus. In other words, they light the screen so that you can concentrate on the screen, not the aisles or hot girl sitting near you. Or even the phone in front of you. When you open your phone to text, it creates a very distracting light. So be a sport and don't do that any more.
4. Stop asking so many questions.
I know, sometimes it's really hard to follow a story. Sometimes you can't quite make out what a character said. Go ahead. Lean over and ask your friend what the character said or what the hell is going on if you're lost. But do it quietly. Whisper. And certainly don't do it at a crucial plot point in the story. You might distract the person who is following the story and then it's ruined from then on for both of you, you selfish idiot. And notice I said friend. If you don't know the person next to you, let it go. Unless you're a hot girl and the guy next to you has math-as-a-first-language written all over him, questioning a stranger during the film is a no no. Where your friends will perhaps dismiss the confusion as merely that (confusion), the random stranger will think you're a dumb ass. Don't do it, dumb ass.
5. Infants.
I have no problems with letting babies into the theater. They have as much right to be there as the next human being. Until they start crying. When that happens it's time to take them outside, mom or dad. If you decide to forgo the babysitter for the time-being, realize you run the risk of a tired, cranky, possibly even scared child ready to cut loose and start screaming in a fit of rage. It is your responsibility to forfeit the movie for the benefit of those around you. I know, it sucks. But I didn't bring my kid along, so why should I have to listen to yours? And honestly, with the price of tickets and concessions these days, you'd probably be better off hiring a sitter. But make it someone you know very well and trust. But more importantly, shut your kid up if its crying during the movie.
6. Turn off your cell phones and pagers.
They even tell you this before the movie ever starts. That's why this one ranks so far down the list (not that these are in order). Yet still people leave their phones on just in case that one phone call that will change everything comes in. Well, it's not coming. You know why? Because you're the kind of person who will leave their phone on during a movie! Turn it off.
7. Don't make out in front of me. Do not make out in front of me.
I know. You're 15 and you're crazy in love with your 15 year old girlfriend. First of all, you're not crazy in love. You're 15 and horny and found someone who will actually touch you. See the subtle difference? Here's how it works: Either sit in the very back (behind everyone else) of an uncrowded theater and go wild or wait until it's over and go behind the Little Caesars next to the theater and do it there. But remember, you need to tell your parents that the movie is two hours long, not an hour and a half. If you're over 16 with a valid drivers license and youre making out in a theater, you're lazy.
8. Applause.
Clapping is fine before the movie really starts or when the end credits roll. Don't applaud something during the film. Other people may not connect on the same emotional level when the guy on screen dumps the girl out of spite. You might be the only one clapping. Then you'll just feel stupid.
9. Piss before it starts.
I'm not gonna blame anyone for having to go to the restroom. But you can do yourself and others a favor by going one last time before the show starts. Maybe squeezing the bladder one last time is all you'll need to get to the end of the film before panic mode sets in. And if you know you have a chronic bladder control issue, just sit on the aisle instead of getting up and walking in front of people for two hours.
10. Gum.
There's nothing wrong with gum. Just keep it in your mouth and don't pop it or blow bubbles. If you can pop your gum really loud, you have a talent. A talent that should be displayed outside of a movie theater. Don't forget that.
Alright, so off the top of my head those are the guidelines you should follow. Learn them. Know them. Observe them and love them. They may save you from me someday. The end.
peace sign,
p
1 comment:
Hilarious. I laughed out loud. Oh no, I forgot i was online I LOL'd
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