Operation Humpback

Tonight's Colbert-ism: “That's why I continue to say that Oregon is California's Canada.”


So there are these two way-ward humpback whales in the Sacramento River who are in danger of swimming too far inland and dying. So the California Coast Guard are running a rescue mission to turn them around and headed out to the ocean again. It’s a mother and her calf named Delta and Dawn. How adorable.

Well, it would be if “Operation Humpback” wasn’t costing the California Coast Guard $100,000 a week. The rescue effort began May 12th. By my estimation, that’s upwards of $300,000. I’m thinking maybe it’s time to let nature takes its course and give up.

Look, the whales are obviously completely stupid. You’re freakin’ humpback whales. It’s kind of hard to get lost from the rest of the group when you’re the largest animal on the planet. Look around. I have a hard time blaming the calf, but if mommy’s retarded, which she clearly must be to swim 90 miles down a river, then baby’s probably not “smart.” Building off of that, we’ll probably spend half a million dollars to get these brain dead mammals—that’s right kids, same phylum as we humans—back out to sea only to have them die of something really dumb. Like drowning.

You can call me heartless or whatever. I’ll admit it, it’s a little hypocritical of me. I’ve been lost many times before. I’m “directionally challenged.” But I’ve never wandered somewhere where I could get killed. Like Compton. So to reiterate, it’s time to let them go. Maybe use some of that money for some of the worst school districts in the nation. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about the cost. Disney’s probably already working on a script with a happy ending. Maybe some of the proceeds from the movie can go to the school systems out here. Wait, who am I kidding? It’s Disney—nevermind. The end.

peace sign,
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