Ten and Tall

Tonight's Colbert-ism: “Nation, I’m a big man, and I’m not afraid to admit mistakes...that my interns have made.”


I just saw a commercial sponsored by the US Department of Transportation. It said until kids are four foot nine, they should be in a booster seat while riding in a car. Four foot nine? Holy shit— I just made the cutoff! For those of you who might not know, I’m only five foot four— and that’s stretching it. So basically all these nine and ten year olds are on TV talking about how tall they are for their age, but yet still not tall enough to ride in a car without a booster seat. And I can relate. I know how they feel when they can’t reach the car ceiling to redirect the cold air that’s blowing directly on them. I know what it’s like to have your legs dangle while sitting on the toilet, only to hop off the seat and find that one foot has gone to sleep. I know what it’s like every night to climb the ladder to get into my bunk, only to stare up at the underneath of the top bunk.

So kids, if you’re reading this, first of all, you shouldn’t be. Your parents should be keeping a closer eye on what you’re looking at on the internet. Second, I used to be tall for my age when I was ten. I even played center on my basketball team. Soak it in, because some day it’s all gonna level out. I’m not saying you’ll only grow to be five feet tall. But I bet none of you will be seven feet or even six foot five. What I’m getting at is a larger issue: the growing sense of entitlement ten year olds are developing. It can be as simple as not wanting to sit in a booster seat to as serious as dictating what channel is on television by hogging the remote control. I didn’t like Full House the first time. Reruns are even worse.

So parents, if you’re reading this and you have a “tall” kid, make sure you keep them in line. Make sure they eat their veggies and make sure they don’t get a brain tumor. Otherwise, they may turn into me. And I don’t want that, because I enjoy being the king of self-deprecating humor. The end.

peace sign,
p