Colbert-isms

I have decided that every post from here on out (or almost every post) will begin with a "Colbert-ism." A Colbert-ism is a quote from Stephen Colbert's The Colbert Report. They're funny little one-liners that made me laugh, so I will share them with you.

Today's Colbert-ism: “They’ve found a new Earth-like planet. Drive that Hummer all you want!”

The end.

peace sign,
p

Fortune cookie

I wanted to tell anyone out there who might be reading, that I got the best news ever today. I'd like to first, preface this by reiterating that I have survived brain surgery, been accepted to the college of my preference twice, been told I am going to be an uncle, and that Weezer "is working on a new album" several times.

None of the above situations comes close to the fantastic news I received today shortly after lunch on the way back to my car. And it came from a Chinese fortune cookie. A fortune cookie from the HyVee food court no less. I had the sweet 'n' sour chicken single entre on a bed of steamed rice.

And it reads:

"You will succeed in anything you put your mind to."

Ignoring for the moment the obvious grammatical error, which can surely be attributed to the translation from Mandarin to English, of ending a sentence with a preposition, please remember that this fortune is unique to me, because these pieces of paper are not mass produced and inserted into foul tasting "cookies" for the sole purpose of a cheap chuckle by adding the phrase "in bed" to the end of the fortune as my friend whom with I dined asserted. Oh, what a delusional fool! I pity his denial. No, I contend that no other of its kind exists in the universe.

Now just think of the ramifications. My fortune brings to light two importantthings. First, it renders null the teachings and philosophy of great thinkers like Jesus, Mohammed, Bon Jovi, Aristotle, and hacks like L. Ron Hubbard and German people. Agape, the Golden Mean, and talking to Martians in order to reach greater levels of spirituality, go out the window.

Secondly, it means I, and I alone, will never ever have to worry any more because of the comfort my fortune offers. All I have to do is think it, and the "it" will happen. For instance, since I began typing this, I have been trying to waste time. And it's working. I am already beginning to see the fruits of my labor. I mean, I wanted to come home and take a nap, and sure enough I did just that because I put my mind to it.

So in closing, I would like to express my gratitude for receiving the best news ever. I intend to put my power to good use. And I will leave you with the fortune my friend was blessed with, which happens to be the second best news ever.

And it reads:

"You will soon be involved in many gatherings and parties (in bed)."

The end.

peace sign,
p

Dumb girls and such

So there was something in the news this morning that I felt was long over due.; something I expected to see out here in LA long before today. You guessed it: a flasher!

The offender was a male targeting females at Cal St. Northridge. Fox 11 out here was kind enough to interview a couple of female students up there. Those girls were nimrods. They compared getting flashed to the shootings at Virginia Tech. Now getting flashed might be scary at first, but I would think the overall ordeal would leave you a little unsettled, not dead. Those girls should have to grab a nice fluffy towel because they deserve to get kicked out of the gene pool.

Here’s the other thing about flashing. It’s only the dudes who do it that ever get reported. Seriously, when’s the last time a chick got cited for flashing? Doesn’t happen. Here’s why. If a chick flashes a guy he either thinks A) “Thanks, Jesus,” or B) “Damn, you’re ugly,” and then tells said woman she is in fact ugly, which is probably more damaging to her than filing a report.

I guess what I’m getting at is this: I wish a hot girl would flash me. The end.

peace sign,
p

Airport

I flew from LA to Dallas today and of course, it was more of a hassle than it needed to be. I really don’t mind the lines (as long as they are moving). I don’t mind how crowded it gets. I don’t even mind how small the seats are on EVERY liner. I do however mind the metal detectors. It’s always such a klusterphuck.

They basically make you disrobe. You have to take off your belt, your jacket, your watch, any rings or chains or necklaces that have metal in them, and my personal favorite, your shoes. They whole time you have to keep your ID out and your boarding pass in hand, meanwhile your holding your pants up with one arm, trying to toss your carry-on onto the X-ray belt. If you didn’t have the foresight to untie your shoes in line you have to perform a balancing act to untie them and rip ‘em off to throw into one of those plastic bins. If you did have the foresight to untie your shoes in line, you run the risk of tripping on your laces and falling ass forward into the grumpy guy in front of you who just did the same thing to the grumpy woman in front of him, but still acts like accidents don’t happen. And while you’re at it, don’t forget that you have to take your laptop out of its bag. I honestly think they make us do that just to screw with us a little bit more, like, "Hey guys, watch this." Jackasses.

I seriously wonder if anyone has ever gracefully maneuvered through the metal detectors since the heightened security measures went into effect. I’ve never seen anyone get through with poise and God knows I haven’t. Each time I get through those things I feel like everybody is watching me to see if I know how to tie my shoes, so I feel pressured and it becomes another balancing act, so I look like Heather Mills on a pogo stick trying to diffuse a bomb. It just seems like there would be an easer way to make it go smoothly for everyone. But until I get my own jet, I’ll just have to continue to put up with other peoples crap. The end.

peace sign,
p

Movie Theater Etiquette

Alright, so I wrote this a long time ago, but I saw a trailer for Pirates 3 in the theater today, so I thought I'd repost it. Oh, and just so you know, it contains "language" so mom, don't read it if that's going to ruin it for you. Enjoy...

Listen, there are certain things in this life that really are sacred, not to be tampered with, and a small pleasure in a world full of disproportionate work for pay, tragedy, and disappointment. On the list are baseball games, dinner at a nice restaurant and a good concert--maybe even your favorite musical artist. But I'm choosing to focus today on something I experienced again last night. Actually, it was earlier this morning when I went to a midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

Great movie. Horrible experience. If you are going to pay ten-fifty to go see a show, don't you really want to see it and not socialize through the whole movie? Maybe these people don't value the experience as much because mommy or daddy paid for the tickets, popcorn, jumbo coke and Milk Duds. Seriously, shut the fuck up. I did pay over an hours wage to see the flick (no matter what it may be) and I really don't want to hear what you and your middle school friends are doing at school next week. And the mom or dad that's just sitting there taking it all in: show some initiative and shut your kid(s) up. Be a parent. More importantly, don't be a milquetoast and just let them sit there and ruin the whole thing for everyone around them.

To make it easier on the casual brain-dead member of society, I am including a list of unacceptable practices at the movie theater.

1. Shut the fuck up. Seriously.

Don't constantly carry on a conversation with your friend. Either get your shit together before the previews or wait until the show's over. No issue meets the criteria for discussion in a movie theater. You know why? Because either it's just not important or it's so important that a movie theater with a bunch of strangers is the very wrong place to have said conversation.

2. Be cool if you're seeing the movie for a second or successive time.

If you've already seen the movie, kudos to you. We're all very impressed. I suppose that does in fact make you a better person than me. But if you remember a part or a quote or a plot twist, DO NOT blurt it out before it happens. I don't want to watch the movie on a two second delay. It's not like it just came to you and you are super-perceptive. You already know what's going to happen, so let us find out for ourselves. A good way to keep from doing this is to get it out of your system before the show starts. Let everyone know how great you think the movie is and that's why you're back to see it again. Now we all know how cool it must be to have extra time in the week.

Also, if you've already seen the movie and you're seeing it with someone who hasn't, stay away from the "Oh, here it comes," or "Ahhh, this part's hilarious, mom." We don't need to be braced for the ensuing action. Let us experience the movie for ourselves.

3. Don't text message during the movie.

I get it. You're doing your part to not disturb me with noise by typing out your conversation. But much like second-hand smoke, text messaging at the theater is the silent killer. You see, they dim the theater lights for a reason. It's so the bright lights emanating from the projector and reflecting on the screen will be the ocular focus. In other words, they light the screen so that you can concentrate on the screen, not the aisles or hot girl sitting near you. Or even the phone in front of you. When you open your phone to text, it creates a very distracting light. So be a sport and don't do that any more.

4. Stop asking so many questions.

I know, sometimes it's really hard to follow a story. Sometimes you can't quite make out what a character said. Go ahead. Lean over and ask your friend what the character said or what the hell is going on if you're lost. But do it quietly. Whisper. And certainly don't do it at a crucial plot point in the story. You might distract the person who is following the story and then it's ruined from then on for both of you, you selfish idiot. And notice I said friend. If you don't know the person next to you, let it go. Unless you're a hot girl and the guy next to you has math-as-a-first-language written all over him, questioning a stranger during the film is a no no. Where your friends will perhaps dismiss the confusion as merely that (confusion), the random stranger will think you're a dumb ass. Don't do it, dumb ass.

5. Infants.

I have no problems with letting babies into the theater. They have as much right to be there as the next human being. Until they start crying. When that happens it's time to take them outside, mom or dad. If you decide to forgo the babysitter for the time-being, realize you run the risk of a tired, cranky, possibly even scared child ready to cut loose and start screaming in a fit of rage. It is your responsibility to forfeit the movie for the benefit of those around you. I know, it sucks. But I didn't bring my kid along, so why should I have to listen to yours? And honestly, with the price of tickets and concessions these days, you'd probably be better off hiring a sitter. But make it someone you know very well and trust. But more importantly, shut your kid up if its crying during the movie.

6. Turn off your cell phones and pagers.

They even tell you this before the movie ever starts. That's why this one ranks so far down the list (not that these are in order). Yet still people leave their phones on just in case that one phone call that will change everything comes in. Well, it's not coming. You know why? Because you're the kind of person who will leave their phone on during a movie! Turn it off.

7. Don't make out in front of me. Do not make out in front of me.

I know. You're 15 and you're crazy in love with your 15 year old girlfriend. First of all, you're not crazy in love. You're 15 and horny and found someone who will actually touch you. See the subtle difference? Here's how it works: Either sit in the very back (behind everyone else) of an uncrowded theater and go wild or wait until it's over and go behind the Little Caesars next to the theater and do it there. But remember, you need to tell your parents that the movie is two hours long, not an hour and a half. If you're over 16 with a valid drivers license and youre making out in a theater, you're lazy.

8. Applause.

Clapping is fine before the movie really starts or when the end credits roll. Don't applaud something during the film. Other people may not connect on the same emotional level when the guy on screen dumps the girl out of spite. You might be the only one clapping. Then you'll just feel stupid.

9. Piss before it starts.

I'm not gonna blame anyone for having to go to the restroom. But you can do yourself and others a favor by going one last time before the show starts. Maybe squeezing the bladder one last time is all you'll need to get to the end of the film before panic mode sets in. And if you know you have a chronic bladder control issue, just sit on the aisle instead of getting up and walking in front of people for two hours.

10. Gum.

There's nothing wrong with gum. Just keep it in your mouth and don't pop it or blow bubbles. If you can pop your gum really loud, you have a talent. A talent that should be displayed outside of a movie theater. Don't forget that.

Alright, so off the top of my head those are the guidelines you should follow. Learn them. Know them. Observe them and love them. They may save you from me someday. The end.

peace sign,

p

Va Tech

My thoughts and prayers are with the Hokies. What happened in Blacksburg today was disgustingly tragic.

I honestly believe in my heart of hearts that everything happens for a reason. But days like these challenge that belief.

I just hope the families of the victims can get some answers, and that their pain will subside over time. The end...

peace sign,
p

Friday the 13th

I just got done watching Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. Except it ended up not being the final chapter or anything close to it because they have since made six more installments-- one of which was titled Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday. That was the ninth installment. Then they made Jason X.

Whatever.

Jason (pronounced hay-sone by my Spanish speaking readers) movies will probably keep getting made until they run out of ways to kill people, which will be tough, because those writers are so creative! So the bad news is we can expect another Friday the 13th installment at any moment. The good news is, pretty soon we will be counting down the days until the new Indiana Jones comes out next May. No, you didn't miss anything; I meant May of '08. Relax.

There are some big names attached, as there had better be for something this big. George Lucas is producing. Spielberg is directing. Yes, Steven. The movie will star Harrison Ford. Yes, Old Balls himself is going to break from feeding Calista long enough to go archeology-ing around one more time in what should be the last, Last Crusade because he's looking OLD. Also, relative newcomer Shia Labeouf will be "starring" along side Indy according to The Sewer Chewer (if you don't get newsletters from CHUD.com, sign up for them now). That's actually good news. Hate on him all you want, he's a better than good actor. It's quite possible he will be a small redeeming factor in what Michael Bay's probably going to do to ruin The Transformers.

But good news can be bad after the fact. Just look at the Star Wars prequels. We waited for years for them to come out. They were largely disappointing. Flashes of brilliance interrupted by choppy dialogue and the occasional "Noooooo!" from Vader when he realized Amidala's fate. I'm just afraid we Indy fans are setting ourselves up for the same type of disappointment. Plus, in my opinion, Harrison Ford's last standout work was in The Fugitive back in 1993. Don't get me wrong, the chemistry between he and sometimes-lesbian Anne Heche was nothing short of orgasmic in Six Days Seven Nights. And this is going to be one of the most highly anticipated unplanned sequels in a long, long time, so he better bring his "A" game.

One thing that I, myself am happy about is that I haven't heard anything about M. Night Shyamalan being attached to the project, so I am pretty sure he didn't write the script. A while ago he was working on and I believe nearly finished an Indy script. Sixth Sense was superb. Unbreakable was pretty cool. Signs was decent enough. Lady in the Water was just odd. See the trend? So it's good that he's nowhere near Indy.

So I'm going to be keeping my fingers crossed that when they begin shooting Indy 4 in June that they are shooting a winner. If not, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised with the next Friday the 13th flick due to my lowered expectations. The end.

peace sign,
p

Song Lyrics

So I did the movie quotes and figured I shouldn't leave out song lyrics. Some really speak to me and some are poignant. Others are just kinda cool or eerie. So here's a "so far" list, much like the movie quotes. I'll post more as they speak to me in some way. Lots of them have to do with death. Rad nothing into it. I'm healthy and happy:


"Now I walk alone through howlin’ winds
Fast food bags wrapped ‘round my shins
Rememberin’, wonderin’,
In this life, will I ever see you again?"
-Yeah is What We Had by Granddaddy

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be the sun in somebody else's sky,
But why can't it be mine?"
-Black by Pearl Jam

"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind?"
-Where is My Mind? by (The) Pixies

"I want something good to die for,
To make it beautiful to live"
-Go with the Flow by Queens of the Stone Age

"I can't prepare for death anymore than I already have"
-King's Crossing by Elliott (Paul) Smith


"If you should die before me
Ask if you can bring a friend
Pick a flower, hold your breath
And drift away... "
-Still Remains by (The) Stone Temple Pilots

"The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
has filled the void behind my face"
-The World has Turned and Left Me Here by Weezer

Movie Quotes

So here's a running list of quotes that I thought were worth scribbling down. As I gather new ones, I'll post them in a separate, but for now they are alphabetized by movie title. I hope you can share in my joy with some of them. By no means is the list complete or impressive. In fact, it's kind of pathetic right now. But the plan is to expand on it gradually. Please, enjoy what there is so far:

“It’s by black people and they’re pretty angry most of the time.”
-Nicholas Hoult in About a Boy

“I couldn’t possibly think of a worse godfather for Imogen. You know what I’m like. I’ll drop her on her head at her Christening. I’ll forget all her birthdays until her eighteenth, when I’ll take her out and get her drunk and possibly, let’s face it, you know, try and shag her.”
-Hugh Grant in About a Boy

“Look, that’s a real bullshit question, Woodward. That is a question straight out of Wichita, Kansas.”
-Uncredited by IMDB, The Character Kenneth Clawson, All the President’s Men

“You guys are probably pretty tired. Well you should be. Go home. Get a nice bath. Rest up. Fifteen minutes. Then get your asses back in gear. We’re under a lot of pressure, and you put us there. Nothing’s riding on this except the First Amendment of the constitution. Freedom of the press and maybe the future of the country. Not that any of that matters. But if you guys fuck up again I’m gonna get mad. Goodnight.”
-Jason Robards in All the President’s Men

“Sarcasm is anger’s ugly cousin.”
-Jack Nicholson in Anger Management

“What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude.”
-John Goodman in The Big Lebowski

“I can’t feel my face. I mean I can touch it, but I can’t feel it inside.”
-Bobcat Goldthwait in BLOW

“We’ll start the ass-kissin’ with you.”
-Willem Dafoe in Boondock Saints

“Fuckin’…What the fuckin’ fuck? Who the fuck? Fuck this fuckin’…How did you two fuckin’ fucks?…Fuck!”
-David Della Rocco in Boondock Saints

“They can suck my pathetic little dick, and I’ll dip my nuts in marinara sauce just so the fat bastards can get a taste of home while they’re at it.”
-David Della Rocco in Boondock Saints

“I can’t buy a pack of smokes without runnin’ into nine guys you fucked.”
-David Della Rocco in Boondock Saints

“What we've got here is... failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it... well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men.”
-Strother Martin in Cool Hand Luke

“Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can beat a real cool hand.”
-Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke

“Rome weren’t built in a day, Cole. ‘Course, uh, I wasn’t overseein’ that particular job, but…”
-Michael Wincott in Dead Man

"When I was your age, they would say you could become cops or criminals. What I'm saying is this: When you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?"
Jack Nicholson in The Departed

“Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.”
-Damon Wayans in Major Payne

“Even if a husband lives 200 hundred fucking years, he'll never discover his wife's true nature. I may be able to understand the secrets of the universe, but... I'll never understand the truth about you. Never.”
-Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris

“You know in 15 years, you're going to be playing soccer with your tits. What do you think of that?”
-Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris

“The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can't. But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that some day. And me, for example, I can let you drown, but I can't bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesies, savvy? So, can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not?”
-Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

“Funny ol' world, innit?”
-Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

“I was so lucky getting mono. That was like, the best diet ever.”
-Mira Sorvino in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion

“Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.”
- Mira Sorvino in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion

“Wow. Three kids…You must feel really tied down.”
-Mira Sorvino in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion

“This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.”
- Janeane Garofalo in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion